Motherland

In a charity shop, happy to have found a near perfect copy of Maeve Binchy's Whitethorn Woods, my mobile sounded. It was my best friend of 20 yrs. "Stay calm," she said. Slightly stressed I played it cool and asked, "What is it?" The news of my best friend's week spent in hospital panicked me and I gasped, only for her to say, "I said stay calm. Now, I've got some news." I didn't have to pretend to be cool anymore, because I was confident I already knew her news; she was coming home for her 23rd birthday. WRONG. She's 10 wks pregnant. My first sounded thought is how can I help her? She's in Paisley & I'm still in damn Hull. Then it dawns on me...she has a partner now, who loves her dearly. It's just hard to remember this. She met him abroad & therefore, away from me, spent 6 months with him, without me, & they share something with each other that I've never shared with a romantic partner. For Heaven's sake, she (the home bird that she is) has moved to Scotland to be with him. And, unlike her other boyfriends, I don't know this one very well, although what I do know I like (unusual).

I'm God mother too. Fat lot of use I'll be. I asked her if she's sure about that & her reply, "I'm not asking you I'm telling you, Sass." OK. It dawns on me. Future girlie hols, shopping trips, nights out, sleepovers, all forgo for this child.

Losing my best friend to her partner & Paisley was a real loss... and I mourned. Losing her to a child is going to be forever. Yes yes yes I am being selfish but damn if I can't be selfish on my own blog where the hell can I be?

I love my best friend. I have some incredible memories of her. I admire her, I trust her, I like her, I respect her, but I also disagree with some things she says or does, but never to the extent that I dislike her. So I'm very lucky, & I just prey that if nothing in this f*cking horrific life has torn us apart yet, nothing ever will.

She'll be a loving, communicative mother, & I've no doubts it'll all work out fine.

But I have to ask for the hell of it - When is the right time to have a child? Is it really true there is never a right time? Surely, sometimes the wrong time is right all along...?