Blabber Mouth Boyfriends

My boyfriend is a blabber mouth. He talks about me a lot. I put it down to immaturity. When we first got together, I'd share something private with him which he, wanting to feel more masculine than he is around his most masculine friend, would bring up. To my annoyance, I felt like the parent in the relationship, giving pointers on how to keep some things private. (As a child, I remember being taught this by my own mother.) Then I let this go, safe in the knowledge he took on board my annoyance & changed his ways.
It's hard for me to discuss being a writer with anyone. I used to live with a guy who never knew I was writing, all the time lying to him that I was shopping or doing housework, etc etc. Part of being the new me, the Sara who has grieved for her mother, is admitting I am a writer & writing full time. Tom is my boyfriend, it is something he knows is a huge part of my life, and he discusses it. Yes with his super-genius 18 yr old brother, soon to be attending Cambridge. When I met his brother I was, shockingly, bombarded with questions about writing a book. I felt quizzed, interrogated, uncomfortable, unhappy. I hated it. It is private to ME.
I suggest my boyfriend read a light teeny book popular at the time, which he went on to lose, immediately, out of the car door. After replacing it, (Brownie point), he starts to read it, criticizes it of course & goes on to tell me about these short stories written in the Victorian age. Well, this is something I cannot discuss. It is not my reading material. So I am happy to listen to how great his book is, & one day will pick it up myself. But I read as a writer & I'm short on time as it is so don't have time to read everything. Tom goes on to tell me how his parents only have old books in their house & encourage him and siblings to read the same stuff. Cool. My mum didn't. Just another difference in Tom & my's upbringing. He went to private school, me, public. His father a solicitor & mother primary school teacher, my mother a social worker & father absent. This is not a problem for Tom, & I didn't think it was for me, except he seems to bring up our class difference a lot, almost questioning if I am comfortable with the difference. Eventually, especially after him putting down my reading material, I do feel uncomfortable. How on earth am I to explain myself as a writer when I will not be able to hold my own in a discussion about great literary works of art? My mum always told me I didn't listen to Radio 4 enough! She was right of course.
Previous to this, Tom wrapped me up in the compliment of how opinionated I am, but how concerned he is about me meeting his father. His father detests vegetarians you see. And his brothers will tease me! I'm thinking (defensively), I have discussions and opinions shared with my boyfriend that I am not going to share at the dinner table like some impolite chav. (I hate the word chav, sorry chavs. It's a word used by my boyfriend). Consequently, we've been dating almost 6 months I think & I've yet to meet his whole family. However, that's his fault ha! In time, maybe I will. But I'm fine for now, although I appreciate it may seem a little rude of me. I'm reluctant to because my vampire ex's mother was also an emotional drain on me.
LOL he's just called, we've had a row & sorted things...for now. I've told him I think he's too critical of himself & of me & that relationships are supposed to bring out the best in people, not the worst. He told me as far as he's concerned this is sorted now so he doesn't want me freezing him out for a couple of days. (Gosh, he knows me), but I said so that means he wants to come over & fuck me. He said no, but there's a gig tues night he'd like me to make. We'll see.
He's basically criticised every song, barring two, on a "mix tape", (MP3 player) I got him for Christmas. Just cuz he's a drummer in a band gives him no right to criticise it. The whole point of the present is to listen to a few tracks meaningful to me, then record over them with his own stuff. Christ, the minute we got together he brought a bag full of CDs over for me to listen to, which I did. And did I say "Hey, these are shit," no, I was polite. He guessed which one I wasn't keen on, to which my repsonse was, "Hm yeah." And moved topic on. I'm not saying he can't disect music with me, or have opinions. I'm saying come on, I'm your girlfriend, I made you something, don't rip it to shreds you thoughtless, insensitive CUNT. He isn't a nasty guy. There isn't an aggressive bone in his body...well, not really. I don't think he meant anything maliciously, but he is so up his own arse sometimes.

A lot of girls are loving Robert Pattinson right now, cuz he is an awesome actor playing, very convincingly, Stephenie Meyer's hot vampire hero, but in real life, in his interviews? He is a bumbling, weedy, dawky, guffawing English private school boy. He reminds me of Tom, stopping and starting his sentences, and running his sweaty fingers through his floppy hair like my gay Oxford grad friend. Is this what men are? Young men in their 20's, sensitive intellectuals, or else grunting gorillas with little respect for themselves let alone women?

Men suck...but not in the good way like Edward Cullen or Angel from Buffy. What a shame that in reality the only alternative is lesbianism, and not hot daemon gods.

There are good points to my boyf. He has a conscience. He is a talented musician and poet. He is in love with art and architecture and cooking. He is fit and exercises lots. He has a healthy sexual appetite. He is expressive, educated, responsible, caring, kind, generous. When I tell him off, he listens and acts. He is amazing really. I worry I push him away and criticise HIM too much, but ultimately, we're getting along OK.

I didn't tell you this but I was sick over Christmas; the winter vom bug I believe. After admitting I needed help, I called Tom early hours in the morning, Tom was still out pAArtying, got on his bike, went to an all night Sainsburys, sobered up with a bottle of water and bought me tissues. He stayed with me all night and day taking care of me and didn't leave me till mid day on Christmas day. He then filled in my shift at work for me. I am very lucky to have him. I love him & he loves me...I just wish he wasn't so proud about it all the time.

Possessed by It, Obsessed with It

^^that's how I feel about my story/novel. At the start of 08 I left full time employment, pursuing part time to enable me to concentrate wholly on my writing. As I have a tendency to keep myself isolated, I took a job in a busy social environment. Naturally, I made friends, one in particular (now my boyfriend). I'm young, for my career as a writer, time is on my side (so I'm told). After months of grieving and working hard & being alone, I welcomed this new friendship to my life, & that's what it was, friendship. I liked him lots, but never saw in as any more than a friend. I looked forward to working with him & remember staying up at work all Saturday night/morning, only to go and do a car boot sale early Sunday together. Maybe it started then, when we realised we got along well outside of work, just the two of us. I was shocked when Tom kissed me for the first time, but it felt so good (surprisingly) and I kissed him back. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. He gave me an awesome summer - dates on rowing boats where he brought along a picnic, & at the beach where we shared lingering hugs, climbing a cherry tree for me & feeling his tongue suck the cherry juices from my neck. Neither of us wanted anything serious, we took it really slow, but I fell in love with him. I knew I loved him as a friend, as a person, as a human being, so I was uncertain about taking us to another level for fear of losing him. I would rather have him as a friend than not at all.
It was a good idea to go for it though. Tom brought me to life this summer & I'll be eternally grateful for that. I remember feeling my heart swelling with love for him; feels wonderful. So tired was I of the deflated feeling my heart experienced so many times, let down by "friends", family etc.
In October, when my novel wasn't completed, I panicked, listened to my "critical parent" & enquired about a college course, just as a back up, orientated around writing scripts (the only other means of writing I am OK at - although yes, the absolute opposite from novel writing). Starting the course two months in, I had missed a lot. Then I was sick as I've mentioned in "Update", & my writing took over. I tried writing with pen & paper & found myself flourishing. This is clearly the method for me. Sitting at my laptop to write just paralyses me with fear & my sentences are awkward and difficult. Writing as a I did as a child, laid out on the carpet, just works for me. Plus, when I come to copy it onto the laptop every few pages, it's a kind of draft, instead of just rambling forever on Word only to delete it all later because I haven't stopped to read it over. ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
My writing was on fire & I was doing it every single night & loving it. I felt like I was finding my voice, I am in love with characters, tweaked the storyline/subplots, added a very important character I had neglected & found myself thinking about them all a massive amount of each day. BAM! Work load at college kicks in, not a lot of writing, lots of practical, but after eight-ish hours writing up college stuff, I felt dissatisfied & thought "that's eight hours I coulda spent writing my novel...SHIT". Two nights not writing physically hurt. It upset me and put me in a bad mood. I feel possessed by my writing and I am obsessed with this novel & set of characters and their story. I love it with all my heart. So, after a month of study, which I'm glad for, it might be time to defer til next Sep, as was the original plan back early on in 08, and give myself chance to actually write & finish this thing ! Yeah! As my mentor (a published author better known in the US of A) recently told me "Decide for yourself, for you, no matter how crazy it might seem to those around you." God love him lol xx

Update

Hey hey blog update. Just read my previous entries: wow I come across as such a d***. It goes to show I was right about how much we change in our 20's! Oh, and the guy I liked so much whose band I watched, I'm his girlfriend now (more about that later). My eating issues? Nearly all stamped out! Can you believe it back in March I couldn't imagine myself without it? Look at me now! I kinda got ill one thing after another September til now, and that prevented my gym visits & I thought "maybe I should eat more." So now I've gained weight. I'm 8 & 1/2 stone insteada 7 stone but I don't mind it too much. Oh yeah, I went from being Vegan to Vegetarian too back in May when holidayed with a pal & didn't wanna be awkward. Ya know how it is (well, you do if you have a conscience). I stopped seeing my therapist in June, but often whine to her via email. God bless her soul. She's an angel. Always responds. I'm very lucky to have her. I'm less close to some of my extended family, but there are many reasons for this. I need friendships with people who accept me for who I am now as a 24 yr old young woman, not people who dismiss my values because they're not the same as theirs. I am my mother's child & I can't mould myself into someone else's wants. Needless to say, my God mothering days are over. (thank god).
I am struggling with a few issues at the moment, very low, very unhappy. But there are a lot of positive aspects to my life right now so I didn't quite understand it when I started having incapacitating stomach cramps. The GP diagnosed them as anxiety related. Hmm. I didn't think I was any more anxious than anyone else...save for the exeptionally laid back: my boyfriend & mother for starters.
I think the GP might be right though. So Anita's sent me some meditative excersices for stress relief, which I haven't stuck to this week, sh*t. I a drinking tons of herbal tea, eating more, having busy days but still saving lots of time for myself (much to my boyfriend's frustration).
At the end of September I got a virus. Just the usual sore throat, which leads to a runny nose & those horrid aches and pains in bed, but goes after a few days. 3 wks later it returned & lingered for 2 wks! Then my period came, great, and I got another virus for a week, then I got a mouth ulcer & some weird lumps in my neck where I never knew I had glands that could swell. The I got another virus, which went away for a day & came back this week. AWESOME!!! I swear to god I haven't felt like exerting myself at all, so thank goodness I'm a writer. Sitting and reading or writing or working on some college work only really exhausts my mind, which I can still handle without catching some mind flu. Touch wood. I actually feel alright tonight, but for how long for no one knows. Aparently, if a person is unhappy, stressed, anxious, it can depress their imune system. I wonder if this is what has happened to me? But why am I unhappy?
Let's see: my mum's dead. Oh ya that's number one. My boyfriend left the job we both worked at to concentrate on his final yr of studies. Fine except he's the only guy at work who entertained me non-stop. I swear everytime he made me laugh this yr it makes up for all the tears I cried last yr. People I liked at work have slowly left. The job isn't challenging for me anymore, either. I am not as happy with my body as I was so I'm more self-conscious during sex (something Tom does not understand). I'm lonely. I miss my mum & the knowledge that no one I ever meet will ever fill that void is crucifying. Not having my mum to ask when I need guidance hurts, a lot. I'm scared. I'm worried I'm making the wrong decisions in life. I hate not feeling daily love, knowing what it's like & that it's beenn taken away from me. Yeah, that's enlightening. Maybe I am stressed after all. Anita once asked if I know how to be happy. I can't remember what I said, probably yes. And I know how to be happy now too, but when it's over I'm alone again, sad, hurting. Hmm. That's never gonna go. Unless I become a wife & a mum? That's another thing to update on actually; children. I think I will adopt, providing I can afford to & am stable enough. There are so many poor children in Hull needing love, perhaps sometime in the future I can look further into this possibility.
Lots of topics here for future blogs. Right now though, my nose is cold, my back aches & I want a hot drink.

Spit It Out

How do you eat?

I eat abnormally & have done for two years.

What is normal ?

Don't many of us now "watch" what we eat? Aren't we generally more educated about food?

Shopping...unless for binge food... is a giant head ache for me. Anything I'm going to consume, the label has to be checked, rechecked & triple checked for fat percentage, saturated fat content, number of calories, carb & protein grams. Seems to be the norm for lots of folks now, though.

As a Vegan, the vast majority of everything I eat is natural, raw, organic & naturally good for me without the palaver of checking labels. Still, Vegetarians & Vegans must ensure they don't over do it on the carbs. No diet is without it's risks, I guess.

I think my mother's death sparked my freak out over food...although there was this big eating disorder phase as a teen & my fathers critical opinions of me. Yeah, yeah, all that childhood nonsense. (Crap my therapist better not read this!) But my mum's cancer was so rare & aggressive (sorry to everyone who lost someone to cancer, I acknowledge the horrifying truth of all cancers), & my mum was so healthy: ate well, cooking everything afresh, exercising, positive thinking. However, I believe the tirade of fad diets she unleashed on her body over the years & her stressful occupation won't have done her any favours, and then childhood traumas, stifled & not dealt with are enough to account for the tree-trunk tumors setting up roots in her bones & cells & womb & lungs.
FUCK TUMORS.

I sometimes wonder if I'll die young like my mum, which makes me panic about ever starting a family with anyone. I know one thing for sure, I'll try my damndest to have more than one child so if I do die young, it's never left alone like I was. Can you say, nightmare?

I'm sort of pleased that my eating disorder has taken away my menstrual cycle cuz there's no chance of me having a period, getting pregnant & then not being strong enough to be a mother, thus leaving a child alone to struggle.

Therapist said I won't get over the death of my mum because we didn't part naturally like most loving mums & daughters do. We were "torn"/"ripped" apart unnaturally. She did this thing with her index fingers, crossing them & then wrenching them apart. It struck a chord.

Don't know why am babbling about counselling sessions. Maybe it's because they're coming to an end after ten hard months of them. I've asked if I can keep my therapist forever, for when all the rest of the shit yet to hit me...hits. It's agreed. Phew.

Anyway, this one particular disturbed eating habit I have, I cant stop. It's bad. Sometimes it's out of control, sometimes I keep it under control. Therapist says they're not too worried bout it, & neither am I but I wonder if it's always gonna be with me. Right now I can't imagine my life without it. What am I gonna be like? A wife? A mother with this weird secret eating thing? It's so embarrassing & shameful. I thought I'd outgrow it (therapist still thinks I will), but after doing it for two years, it seems a part of who I am now, & a way to suppress any emotions I can't healthily handle.

Ah well, FUCK FOOD too.

Signs

Whaddya think of your horoscope? Clap trap? Maybe but there's something to be said for those personality profiles.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, my in depth knowledge of those 12 personality types (owing to reams of material printed in 90's issues of "MIZZ" magazine), help me, to this day, to suss out characters. OK, so I made mistakes with a few soul-sucking, energy draining "vampires", but that's good. I applied my star sign knowledge to these past mistakes & came up with good results. Virgo men are generally: controlling, manipulative, sharp-tongued, overly sensitive, no fun scrooges. My father & my first disastrous boyfriend come under this category. Naturally am wary of men when they mention they were born in September; makes plenty sense. But future Virgoan males I've met, after getting to know them, have the same shadowy movement under their eyes when they feel attacked by a playful jibe, the same insanely annoying neeeeeeeeeeeeed to clarify EVERYTHING, just to make sure you understand they didn't mean to sound as if they said something they did actually want you to understand they said but don't want to come across as that type of person because they're not that type of person you understand? Smile! Oh you don't understand? Then you're an idiot & not worthy.

It's true. A Virgo from the work place? I don't like him.

Listen, I am a very open, heart-on-sleeve young woman & I DO give people a fair chance. But I've noticed this is something I am good at judging, & the Virgo thing helps me feel protected. That's right, I'm protecting myself from more serious hurtful attacks. So, are horoscopes a load a rubbish?

Titter, titter.

NOTE: Virgoan men are not unhealthy for everyone. For me, personally, they generally are.

So far I have gotten along insanely well with Pisceans of both sexes. My mother, mentor & sister are/were all Pisceans. Their romantic, dreamy, hippy styles greatly match my nature.

Ur So Vain, Bet U Think This Blog's Bout U

Went to see a friend's band perform tonight at this venue am not familiar with. Brilliant night though & the band didn't disappoint.

Upon arrival I saw the venue was filled with scenesters & naturally felt out of place. Although I wasn't dressed up like a scenester, cuz am not one, I was more originally dressed than most there. No fishnets, red lipstick or died dark hair. Call me boring but I can wear the dullest outfit & STILL get stared at all damn night. Am not bragging, it's a pain. I just don't need to make such an effort like these otherwise rather plain & plump scenester chicks.

The "friends" I met up with are people I work with. Some of them I see as nothing more than colleagues, but others I'd like to be a friend to, (namely the guy in the band). He's hilarious. He really is & I luv it. In fact, we're already friends. He's recently out of a big screwwy relationship, which I can empathise with, & tonight he told me he's "starting to enjoy the freedom". I'm happy for him because I know exactly how it feels. There is nothing better than the rush of freedom, independence & autonomy one gets when free from a controlling partner.
I know a lot of people experience this but a few months down the line they're at it again! Before they know it they're trapped in another screwwy relationship with a partner telling them to dust the shelves, under the bed & that 30 mins they spent at the gym isn't long enough to even begin burning off that fat. Gee thanks.

My advice? Stay single for God's sake! Learn about yourself. Be selfish. The very moment you jump on the treadmill of life: 9-5 job, house, spouse, kids, you'll barely find time for yourself. There's a lot to be said for having time to indulge yourself, and that time should be between the ages of 18 & at least 26, when we're growing & learning about everything.

NOTE: A discussion with a mature friend of mine, who's training to be a counsellor, determined the age we learn most about ourselves. By about 26 we usually know what we're all about. Don't know if it's true yet but I take his word for it. I certainly agree that from 18 up we become aware of who we really are. Of course, life circumstances determine the age of such self-awareness, but generally let's say it starts at 18.

Amazingly, most people spend those years in a relationship with another person. In the 60's this was the norm. Women married at 18 & settled to have a family, relying on the male to provide. Now, since women are expected to get educated & earn their own, there's no need to pair up. No need at all!
Again, life circumstances cause emotions & reasons we're not even aware of, which mean we enter into relationships only to compromise, suppress & mold ourselves into something far from our true selves. This is an exhausting act & often, once out of the relationship, the sacrificing one of the two, is a shadow of themselves & relieved to be free.

At 23, I feel enlightened & free from the idea that I must be in a relationship with a man to be happy. Far from it. At 19 though, I'd lost my mother & only parent & main supply of love. A relationship was the one way I could keep some sort of love source in my life & therefore stay sane. Sadly, this was with a very wrong type of partner for me & I escaped, dazed & not knowing who the hell I was.

After a rocky year, where I entered into a healthy relationship & learnt I could have a NICE relationship with a man who likes & respects me, with great sex & lots of laughs, it came to a natural end & we parted. Finally, with love from my extended family, living alone, making decisions for myself, getting a steady job, having therapy & beginning a delayed grief process over my mother's death, I started to relax. Wow. Took a few years but I'm here, healthily single, the way I should be at my age. Feels great :-)

What I've learnt is all about me. And I like it. I'm glad I know so much about myself, because how can I know another & expect them to fall for me if I don't know myself? I'd repeat my first disastrous relationship over & over. Nightmare!

Ultimately, I don't regret that one mother huge mistake of a relationship, because I've learnt from it. At a young age, I learnt all about being controlled & manipulated by a soul-sucking, energy draining "vampire", how to have my confidence chipped away at, how to doubt myself & drive myself crazy trying to change for someone who cannot be pleased. Why? What's wrong with me? FUCK ALL that's what. I'm fine. THEY'RE not OK. They're sick & need help. Will justice prevail? HAhaha. No. With mother's treating sons as sultans, sons never learn. They marry a woman & after breaking her, end up being unhappy anyway, or they marry a woman, drive her away & end up alone. Many women marry these charming & handsome men young,thus not learning in time the true horror behind these guys. You see them, neurotic, false, beaten, hiding, quiet, or dead. But I went there, bought the t-shirt & got the hell outta there to live & tell the tale & know NEVER to make the same mistake! You won't see me with no misogynistic momma's boy. Oh no. You won't catch me being no narcissistic source, oh no.

It's sad, many women don't realise they're living with their enemy until it's too late. Thank God for what I've learnt from experience.

I'll make a great partner. No dusting, no perfect body, dislikes DVDs & takes an age to get ready to go out. A real life messy, chatty, vegan, writer girlfriend. Hey, that's just me :-)

P.S. Prince charming, the man of your dreams, the perfect man, is a myth like Santa Claus (another lesson I learned).

Muuuuuusic

It's great, isn't it? Music. Possibly one of the best things ever to exist. I'm pleased to have rediscovered a band I enjoyed as a teen. InMe. They do rock. They're young, hot, powerful & brimming with emotion. Wow, every time.
A mature poet I know once assumed aloud how writers couldn't possibly write with rock music playing in the background. At the time, didn't speak up, because who am I? But now I can admit confidently, out loud too, that rock music is something I LOVE to hear as I write. I like sexy music for my sexy scenes, and heavy rock for my tension-filled scenes. Nothing more exciting in my sad little world. HA. When am busy drafting those scenes, the music may be off or mellower, but during brain-storming, planning, thoughtful moments & first drafts, the music does blast...just how I like it.

I'm particularly pleased to have discovered that InMe's newer stuff suits the main couple in my novel brilliantly. I'd yet to find music suiting them as a couple, & had only songs suiting their respective stories, which is fine but now I have this! "Said that we were fine, Lying all this time, You're the thorn that's in my side. & weeks go by, it's so hard to say good-bye. Take your thorn out of my side. GO!" Obviously, if my lovely young couple were to relate to these lyrics, they'd be aiming them at the God-awful Becky. (she's my sociopath).

Kisses

Being a writer

If you have talent, god-given or not, a natural talent for something, do you make a living out of it or keep it as a hobby?

NOTE: a natural talent is something you excel at naturally, not something you have to try hard at in order to excel. You may work hard at your talent, but it's enjoyable, not a chore.

A student law tutor once asked my class this: "is it fair to work all your life at school, university, & get a highly paid job, when someone who succeeds in making their hobby their career, can earn more than you in a life time?"

If you chose to make your dream your career, what led you to do this?

It's one thing to WANT to be a poet/singer/designer/sporting success/DJ, etc, but it's another thing to actually give up the 9 to 5 and DO it, day in, day out. Making your hobby your career means doing a low-paid part time job & having the motivation & discipline to actually DO your hobby for so many hours every day, finish a project & submit to the higher forces.

Dear god, is it worth it?

I'm doing it now & it sure as heck is worth it. But writing this blog means procrastinating so I'm off to get on with my book!!!!! Good luck :-)

sociopathic friends

Making new friends calls for us to be on our best behaviour, right? After a suitable period of time passes we feel able to relax & be ourselves, yes? Is it even possible to be ourselves when we play respective roles with every friend? How we are with one friend is not how we are with another, not because we're being false, but because we know them.
I can discuss all & sundry with my best friend forever, but with a pal of 6 months I "topic manage". Other friends may be particularly sensitive to scathing wit, so save it for those who take it blithely, only to give as good as they get. It's all about fun for me, right now: those who make me laugh, laugh at me, with me & let me laugh at them. Suffice to say, those with a chip on their shoulder (a lot of people) don't stay friends with me for long.

I recently cooled a friendship with someone who I thought had so much potential. However, past hurts encouraged me to monitor our meetings. Sure enough, 6 months past & her good behaviour waned. Her jokes came thick & fast, but she lacked the ability to relate to me & became increasingly negative; seeing the negative in almost every opinion or experience I shared, pointing out negatives I didn't see, which, in turn made me feel foolish for not seeing them. My heart slowly sank as lunch ended & I quietly drove her home, realising she is a soul-sucker, a drainer, a self-defeating demon with low esteem, low energy & ready to drain my energy.
I did confront her negative thinking, explaining I hadn't thought of the negative sides, to which she tells me to simply ignore her. But I can't. I'm already too damaged by negative people & am not about to offer myself to another. Sad.

NOTE: negative person not a pessimist (in my view), cuz we're all occasionally pessimistic & to be forever optimistic is foolish & down right annoying.


I recently heard that a sociopath is one who first tells you to "mind the carpet" when you have a nose bleed, instead of expressing concern for you. My friend of 20 yrs recently shared a similar conversation she had with another of our "friends" & the more I wonder, the more I'm proved correct instead of totally wrong, this friend is a segment short of a whole orange. Oh dear. Unfortunately for me, my best friend attracts these ppl like honey to the bee. And they never leave. Why then, am I so intent on keeping my friendship with her? Perhaps I'm so aware of sociopaths because my father is one & therefore, he is a part of me. I choose not to indulge those tendencies, & live as humanely as possible. Thank God for my mother.

NOTE: not everyone who does me wrong is a sociopath, narcissist, no, but the ones in my life (& they are in everyone's life) are most interesting because they are so alien. Recognising them has been healing & frightening, but a forever battle...

My father, the one with strong narcissistic personality disorder traits mixed with anxiety disorder traits, will always have to be "dealt with" until the day he dies, even when he lives over in Egypt. Damn texts & emails.

The mutual friend of mine & my best friend's will also, always be around, because she means a lot to my best friend, & I still hold out hope for her. As far as being highly sensitive (we're always walking on eggshells) & infuriatingly self-involved, she is. But a true sociopath? I don't know. I doubt it though she had a bad relationship with her mother as a child & her obsession with serial killers is outright weird. Still, a sociopath? Perhaps just possessing a few traits of the narcissistic personality disorder.

I know I'm not an expert, & I don't express my limited knowledge as a mechanism to "show off", no. That's what narcissists do: "I'm not a psychiatrist but..." and then they go on to talk a lot of clap trap about psychiatry to look intelligent. But I AM a writer, & I DO have freaks in my life & I enjoy analysing. So, characters, narcissism, analysis? I'm there!

P.S, if you've ever dated a narcissist (surprise, surprise I have), listen to "narcissus" by alanis morisette - you'll love it. Kisses

Motherland

In a charity shop, happy to have found a near perfect copy of Maeve Binchy's Whitethorn Woods, my mobile sounded. It was my best friend of 20 yrs. "Stay calm," she said. Slightly stressed I played it cool and asked, "What is it?" The news of my best friend's week spent in hospital panicked me and I gasped, only for her to say, "I said stay calm. Now, I've got some news." I didn't have to pretend to be cool anymore, because I was confident I already knew her news; she was coming home for her 23rd birthday. WRONG. She's 10 wks pregnant. My first sounded thought is how can I help her? She's in Paisley & I'm still in damn Hull. Then it dawns on me...she has a partner now, who loves her dearly. It's just hard to remember this. She met him abroad & therefore, away from me, spent 6 months with him, without me, & they share something with each other that I've never shared with a romantic partner. For Heaven's sake, she (the home bird that she is) has moved to Scotland to be with him. And, unlike her other boyfriends, I don't know this one very well, although what I do know I like (unusual).

I'm God mother too. Fat lot of use I'll be. I asked her if she's sure about that & her reply, "I'm not asking you I'm telling you, Sass." OK. It dawns on me. Future girlie hols, shopping trips, nights out, sleepovers, all forgo for this child.

Losing my best friend to her partner & Paisley was a real loss... and I mourned. Losing her to a child is going to be forever. Yes yes yes I am being selfish but damn if I can't be selfish on my own blog where the hell can I be?

I love my best friend. I have some incredible memories of her. I admire her, I trust her, I like her, I respect her, but I also disagree with some things she says or does, but never to the extent that I dislike her. So I'm very lucky, & I just prey that if nothing in this f*cking horrific life has torn us apart yet, nothing ever will.

She'll be a loving, communicative mother, & I've no doubts it'll all work out fine.

But I have to ask for the hell of it - When is the right time to have a child? Is it really true there is never a right time? Surely, sometimes the wrong time is right all along...?

psychotic characters

Psychology fascinates me, not enough so I wanna get a degree in it, but in a book store, I can spend hours in the pop psychology department. And I usually end up buying something. As a writer people's behaviour fascinates me. Not sure when this interest began, but I guess my mother's thirteen years working with Hull's most horrific pedophiles sparked it. What do you think?

There's nothing better than writing a psycho/sociopathic character into a novel because of their weirdness. I love it because it's alien to me. I'm a good person. I'm good to others for no reason than it's my natural impulse to be good. If someone I work with mentions their birthday, I'll get 'em a card. (but then I feel bad for the tree)

I'm a strong believer in monsters existing in human form & that good-natured folk's greatest weakness is believing all people are good deep down inside. Deep down inside some people are bad. Funnily, I wondered about this stuff as a child & as an adult, the more I learn, the more sure I am that there are different types of human beings. Those with a part of the brain for conscience & empathy & those without. Nothing's black & white so I concede, sure, there are those with a conscience who are cruel regardless; they're monsters too.

Name-calling time!

I'm certain my father has a personality disorder. Granted, no one should go around calling people names undiagnosed, especially when professionals can disagree with each others diagnoses, but he's my father & having being abused by him I feel fine in diagnosing him with definite leanings toward narcissistic & anxiety disorders. Frasier Crane once said: "Knowledge is power." But I also find knowledge to be healing. Knowing that my father's paranoid, angry, frightening & downright insane behaviour is nothing to do with me but all to do with himself & his own disorder heals me greatly. But it also sparked a fascination with personality disorders, of which I was always interested but now I like the characters in my books to be diseased of the mind somehow.

Other freaks in my life as a child growing up? Cruel baby-sitter. Neurotic aunt. Emotionally crippled Nana (cruel to my mummy in front of me). I could go on, but I won't in this entry.

So this entry has all been about me really - my favourite subject! One of. Have to say, this blog is gonna be a cool place for me to spout off all my opinions on stuff. And no I am not gonna use huge, big words. What is the point when smaller ones will do? Though I luv my English language & my big words I truly do, but am not pretentious...which reminds me...why is it considered pretentious to use technical terminology, archaic words and words with multiple syllables? Kisses