write; be recognized, earn or resent

The title sums up the mindset of some writers - published & unpublished - revealed to me in a blog entry that was advertised on Twitter by Ellen Meister. I think it's by US agent Jenny Bent.

I have to express how much it saddens me to read how it's a given that some writers resent another's success and feel selling a book for "15k" is disappointing. Surely six figure deals are hard to come by. In my view, "15k" is a huge amount of money & a huge success. It should be seen as an incentive to do better if money is a motivation. I understand how the point of writing full time is to earn enough so the day job can go but what's so awful about keeping a full or part time job? Surely it serves as inspiration or motivation?

It just hadn't occurred to me for a while that there are writers out there who are motivated by equal measures of a passion for writing and earning potential. And it absolutely hadn't occurred to me to envy other writers for their success. I have two playwright pals who I feel nothing but ecstacy for whenever they achieve. I don't need a blog by an agent to remind me to be positive. I am positive. Anyone letting themselves get down because of another's success and a lack of recognition is undeserving to me. Write cuz u luv it, and for no other purpose. Don't whine on about how so & so is doing better than you. *shakes head* exhales. Rant over.

p.s. I appreciate how naive I come across in this post but I don't care.

Update Number Two

What a creative title, ha!

Anyway hi. Here's what's going on.

I finished things with Tom :-( back in January.

I am seeing someone new, Daniel :-s

Never in my life did I suffer hay fever until this week. My God, I had no idea how much money one could spend on treating it. But am telling ya, it works! Now I can go for a walk whenever I like, armed with eye drops, nasal spray and tissues!

So I've been seeing a new guy called Daniel, the year above me at school. I remember how he'd walk home from sixth form, shoe gazing, with his fringe hanging over his eyes. I was intrigued by him then, and felt the same when he flopped at the bar one night, a few months ago, declaring how beautiful he thinks I am. Aww! Just what every girl dreams of!

I did a little googling on Daniel & found he's part of a pretty successful gothic, indie band called Kill Surf City. He looks HAWT in their MTV2 video too! I think, owing to egos, the band is on a long break for now, with tensions between members arising, but Daniel's been recruited by a mutual pal to join another band called The Note Book. And they're really tight. I've been invited to their London gig in June. Don't know if I'll go or stick to finishing my damn book. (yes today, it is known as "my damn book", not my obsession that possesses. roll eyes please).

Thing is, Daniel & I have been dating a couple months now, & I haven't slept with him at all, although I really enjoy kissing him. I just don't wanna get so intimate with someone again. Here's why;

I found out from Anita (therapist) that I have a huge fear of loss when it comes to relationships. Hence me delaying the progression of my relationship with Tom, even meeting his family. I am scared of losing Tom, & worse, scared of losing another family. Great. So I'm alone because I'm afraid of being alone?!?!?!
Ultimately though, Tom is a kidney transplant patient, perhaps not the best choice of boyfriend for a lassie like me :-s I mean, he is a real kidney transplant patient, as in, he has lived on dyalisis, has his father's 50 yr old kidney because neither of his own kidneys work. Poor guy, but when he tells me things like he expects the kidney to last till he's 28 yrs of age (less than 4 yrs away), it doesn't help me wanna make a life with him. Does that make sense??

Daniel.....was in a serious car accident years ago; left him with only a quarter of a stomach. Yeah, he's like 6 ft tall, incredibly skinny, will never get "fat", it's impossible, and so I rarely see him eat. All the while I'm sat on my arse writing, getting fatter!!!! Not happy, insecure, feel unsexy, and with hay fevered snotty noses it's hard to work out & blow my nose 30 times in a row. Excuses excuses, I'm just a lazy fat cow.

Anyway enough of that self-hatred. It doesn't really go anywhere, except to thoughts of suicide. What does it mean if I wouldn't mind dying ? What does it mean if everything seems futile & hopeless? I feel I have no one to please anymore, and it's a fact that I dont. I only have myself. It's a scary life I'm living. I can't say it's lonely. Although obviously it is lonely. But I have options always not to be lonely, I jus often choose to be alone. Hmm, that's weird too. I am fucking weird. It's like I use my writing as an excuse not to move forward. It's like, once my book is done, I can start my life; travel, re-educate, move, whatever. Right now I'm stuck in Hull, affectionately named Hell, writing when I feel worthy enough of the art, and teasing would-be suitors. I mean, Daniel, I've enjoyed dating him, but I'm feeling the urge to cool things down now that the dating part has gone as far as it can, and it's time to get close: have him come see my house, my very own private space, maybe sleep with me & see every part of me. I don't know if I want any of that yet. You know, I remember watching TV shows, or movies, & listening to all that adult clap trap, never understanding what was so complicated, but boy do I understand now.

I need cheering up. Tonight am gonna visit Tom in his new place & let him cook for me. If anyone can cheer me up, it's him.

Why did we split? Lots of reasons, but I guess the first time we kissed, my judgement was clouded by fine wine, and I failed to correctly gage the chemistry between Tom & I. I don't "fancy" him enough. My attraction for him is not strong enough, although he is a gorgeous man, & many, many women find him equally gorgeous. They ask after him at work (he doesn't work there anymore, only if boss is desperate & he's free). When I kiss Daniel? There are definite sparks.................

Possessed by It, Obsessed with It

^^that's how I feel about my story/novel. At the start of 08 I left full time employment, pursuing part time to enable me to concentrate wholly on my writing. As I have a tendency to keep myself isolated, I took a job in a busy social environment. Naturally, I made friends, one in particular (now my boyfriend). I'm young, for my career as a writer, time is on my side (so I'm told). After months of grieving and working hard & being alone, I welcomed this new friendship to my life, & that's what it was, friendship. I liked him lots, but never saw in as any more than a friend. I looked forward to working with him & remember staying up at work all Saturday night/morning, only to go and do a car boot sale early Sunday together. Maybe it started then, when we realised we got along well outside of work, just the two of us. I was shocked when Tom kissed me for the first time, but it felt so good (surprisingly) and I kissed him back. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. He gave me an awesome summer - dates on rowing boats where he brought along a picnic, & at the beach where we shared lingering hugs, climbing a cherry tree for me & feeling his tongue suck the cherry juices from my neck. Neither of us wanted anything serious, we took it really slow, but I fell in love with him. I knew I loved him as a friend, as a person, as a human being, so I was uncertain about taking us to another level for fear of losing him. I would rather have him as a friend than not at all.
It was a good idea to go for it though. Tom brought me to life this summer & I'll be eternally grateful for that. I remember feeling my heart swelling with love for him; feels wonderful. So tired was I of the deflated feeling my heart experienced so many times, let down by "friends", family etc.
In October, when my novel wasn't completed, I panicked, listened to my "critical parent" & enquired about a college course, just as a back up, orientated around writing scripts (the only other means of writing I am OK at - although yes, the absolute opposite from novel writing). Starting the course two months in, I had missed a lot. Then I was sick as I've mentioned in "Update", & my writing took over. I tried writing with pen & paper & found myself flourishing. This is clearly the method for me. Sitting at my laptop to write just paralyses me with fear & my sentences are awkward and difficult. Writing as a I did as a child, laid out on the carpet, just works for me. Plus, when I come to copy it onto the laptop every few pages, it's a kind of draft, instead of just rambling forever on Word only to delete it all later because I haven't stopped to read it over. ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
My writing was on fire & I was doing it every single night & loving it. I felt like I was finding my voice, I am in love with characters, tweaked the storyline/subplots, added a very important character I had neglected & found myself thinking about them all a massive amount of each day. BAM! Work load at college kicks in, not a lot of writing, lots of practical, but after eight-ish hours writing up college stuff, I felt dissatisfied & thought "that's eight hours I coulda spent writing my novel...SHIT". Two nights not writing physically hurt. It upset me and put me in a bad mood. I feel possessed by my writing and I am obsessed with this novel & set of characters and their story. I love it with all my heart. So, after a month of study, which I'm glad for, it might be time to defer til next Sep, as was the original plan back early on in 08, and give myself chance to actually write & finish this thing ! Yeah! As my mentor (a published author better known in the US of A) recently told me "Decide for yourself, for you, no matter how crazy it might seem to those around you." God love him lol xx