Update Number Two

What a creative title, ha!

Anyway hi. Here's what's going on.

I finished things with Tom :-( back in January.

I am seeing someone new, Daniel :-s

Never in my life did I suffer hay fever until this week. My God, I had no idea how much money one could spend on treating it. But am telling ya, it works! Now I can go for a walk whenever I like, armed with eye drops, nasal spray and tissues!

So I've been seeing a new guy called Daniel, the year above me at school. I remember how he'd walk home from sixth form, shoe gazing, with his fringe hanging over his eyes. I was intrigued by him then, and felt the same when he flopped at the bar one night, a few months ago, declaring how beautiful he thinks I am. Aww! Just what every girl dreams of!

I did a little googling on Daniel & found he's part of a pretty successful gothic, indie band called Kill Surf City. He looks HAWT in their MTV2 video too! I think, owing to egos, the band is on a long break for now, with tensions between members arising, but Daniel's been recruited by a mutual pal to join another band called The Note Book. And they're really tight. I've been invited to their London gig in June. Don't know if I'll go or stick to finishing my damn book. (yes today, it is known as "my damn book", not my obsession that possesses. roll eyes please).

Thing is, Daniel & I have been dating a couple months now, & I haven't slept with him at all, although I really enjoy kissing him. I just don't wanna get so intimate with someone again. Here's why;

I found out from Anita (therapist) that I have a huge fear of loss when it comes to relationships. Hence me delaying the progression of my relationship with Tom, even meeting his family. I am scared of losing Tom, & worse, scared of losing another family. Great. So I'm alone because I'm afraid of being alone?!?!?!
Ultimately though, Tom is a kidney transplant patient, perhaps not the best choice of boyfriend for a lassie like me :-s I mean, he is a real kidney transplant patient, as in, he has lived on dyalisis, has his father's 50 yr old kidney because neither of his own kidneys work. Poor guy, but when he tells me things like he expects the kidney to last till he's 28 yrs of age (less than 4 yrs away), it doesn't help me wanna make a life with him. Does that make sense??

Daniel.....was in a serious car accident years ago; left him with only a quarter of a stomach. Yeah, he's like 6 ft tall, incredibly skinny, will never get "fat", it's impossible, and so I rarely see him eat. All the while I'm sat on my arse writing, getting fatter!!!! Not happy, insecure, feel unsexy, and with hay fevered snotty noses it's hard to work out & blow my nose 30 times in a row. Excuses excuses, I'm just a lazy fat cow.

Anyway enough of that self-hatred. It doesn't really go anywhere, except to thoughts of suicide. What does it mean if I wouldn't mind dying ? What does it mean if everything seems futile & hopeless? I feel I have no one to please anymore, and it's a fact that I dont. I only have myself. It's a scary life I'm living. I can't say it's lonely. Although obviously it is lonely. But I have options always not to be lonely, I jus often choose to be alone. Hmm, that's weird too. I am fucking weird. It's like I use my writing as an excuse not to move forward. It's like, once my book is done, I can start my life; travel, re-educate, move, whatever. Right now I'm stuck in Hull, affectionately named Hell, writing when I feel worthy enough of the art, and teasing would-be suitors. I mean, Daniel, I've enjoyed dating him, but I'm feeling the urge to cool things down now that the dating part has gone as far as it can, and it's time to get close: have him come see my house, my very own private space, maybe sleep with me & see every part of me. I don't know if I want any of that yet. You know, I remember watching TV shows, or movies, & listening to all that adult clap trap, never understanding what was so complicated, but boy do I understand now.

I need cheering up. Tonight am gonna visit Tom in his new place & let him cook for me. If anyone can cheer me up, it's him.

Why did we split? Lots of reasons, but I guess the first time we kissed, my judgement was clouded by fine wine, and I failed to correctly gage the chemistry between Tom & I. I don't "fancy" him enough. My attraction for him is not strong enough, although he is a gorgeous man, & many, many women find him equally gorgeous. They ask after him at work (he doesn't work there anymore, only if boss is desperate & he's free). When I kiss Daniel? There are definite sparks.................