How do you eat?
I eat abnormally & have done for two years.
What is normal ?
Don't many of us now "watch" what we eat? Aren't we generally more educated about food?
Shopping...unless for binge food... is a giant head ache for me. Anything I'm going to consume, the label has to be checked, rechecked & triple checked for fat percentage, saturated fat content, number of calories, carb & protein grams. Seems to be the norm for lots of folks now, though.
As a Vegan, the vast majority of everything I eat is natural, raw, organic & naturally good for me without the palaver of checking labels. Still, Vegetarians & Vegans must ensure they don't over do it on the carbs. No diet is without it's risks, I guess.
I think my mother's death sparked my freak out over food...although there was this big eating disorder phase as a teen & my fathers critical opinions of me. Yeah, yeah, all that childhood nonsense. (Crap my therapist better not read this!) But my mum's cancer was so rare & aggressive (sorry to everyone who lost someone to cancer, I acknowledge the horrifying truth of all cancers), & my mum was so healthy: ate well, cooking everything afresh, exercising, positive thinking. However, I believe the tirade of fad diets she unleashed on her body over the years & her stressful occupation won't have done her any favours, and then childhood traumas, stifled & not dealt with are enough to account for the tree-trunk tumors setting up roots in her bones & cells & womb & lungs.
FUCK TUMORS.
I sometimes wonder if I'll die young like my mum, which makes me panic about ever starting a family with anyone. I know one thing for sure, I'll try my damndest to have more than one child so if I do die young, it's never left alone like I was. Can you say, nightmare?
I'm sort of pleased that my eating disorder has taken away my menstrual cycle cuz there's no chance of me having a period, getting pregnant & then not being strong enough to be a mother, thus leaving a child alone to struggle.
Therapist said I won't get over the death of my mum because we didn't part naturally like most loving mums & daughters do. We were "torn"/"ripped" apart unnaturally. She did this thing with her index fingers, crossing them & then wrenching them apart. It struck a chord.
Don't know why am babbling about counselling sessions. Maybe it's because they're coming to an end after ten hard months of them. I've asked if I can keep my therapist forever, for when all the rest of the shit yet to hit me...hits. It's agreed. Phew.
Anyway, this one particular disturbed eating habit I have, I cant stop. It's bad. Sometimes it's out of control, sometimes I keep it under control. Therapist says they're not too worried bout it, & neither am I but I wonder if it's always gonna be with me. Right now I can't imagine my life without it. What am I gonna be like? A wife? A mother with this weird secret eating thing? It's so embarrassing & shameful. I thought I'd outgrow it (therapist still thinks I will), but after doing it for two years, it seems a part of who I am now, & a way to suppress any emotions I can't healthily handle.
Ah well, FUCK FOOD too.
Friday 28 March 2008
Tuesday 25 March 2008
Signs
Whaddya think of your horoscope? Clap trap? Maybe but there's something to be said for those personality profiles.
I can honestly say, hand on heart, my in depth knowledge of those 12 personality types (owing to reams of material printed in 90's issues of "MIZZ" magazine), help me, to this day, to suss out characters. OK, so I made mistakes with a few soul-sucking, energy draining "vampires", but that's good. I applied my star sign knowledge to these past mistakes & came up with good results. Virgo men are generally: controlling, manipulative, sharp-tongued, overly sensitive, no fun scrooges. My father & my first disastrous boyfriend come under this category. Naturally am wary of men when they mention they were born in September; makes plenty sense. But future Virgoan males I've met, after getting to know them, have the same shadowy movement under their eyes when they feel attacked by a playful jibe, the same insanely annoying neeeeeeeeeeeeed to clarify EVERYTHING, just to make sure you understand they didn't mean to sound as if they said something they did actually want you to understand they said but don't want to come across as that type of person because they're not that type of person you understand? Smile! Oh you don't understand? Then you're an idiot & not worthy.
It's true. A Virgo from the work place? I don't like him.
Listen, I am a very open, heart-on-sleeve young woman & I DO give people a fair chance. But I've noticed this is something I am good at judging, & the Virgo thing helps me feel protected. That's right, I'm protecting myself from more serious hurtful attacks. So, are horoscopes a load a rubbish?
Titter, titter.
NOTE: Virgoan men are not unhealthy for everyone. For me, personally, they generally are.
So far I have gotten along insanely well with Pisceans of both sexes. My mother, mentor & sister are/were all Pisceans. Their romantic, dreamy, hippy styles greatly match my nature.
I can honestly say, hand on heart, my in depth knowledge of those 12 personality types (owing to reams of material printed in 90's issues of "MIZZ" magazine), help me, to this day, to suss out characters. OK, so I made mistakes with a few soul-sucking, energy draining "vampires", but that's good. I applied my star sign knowledge to these past mistakes & came up with good results. Virgo men are generally: controlling, manipulative, sharp-tongued, overly sensitive, no fun scrooges. My father & my first disastrous boyfriend come under this category. Naturally am wary of men when they mention they were born in September; makes plenty sense. But future Virgoan males I've met, after getting to know them, have the same shadowy movement under their eyes when they feel attacked by a playful jibe, the same insanely annoying neeeeeeeeeeeeed to clarify EVERYTHING, just to make sure you understand they didn't mean to sound as if they said something they did actually want you to understand they said but don't want to come across as that type of person because they're not that type of person you understand? Smile! Oh you don't understand? Then you're an idiot & not worthy.
It's true. A Virgo from the work place? I don't like him.
Listen, I am a very open, heart-on-sleeve young woman & I DO give people a fair chance. But I've noticed this is something I am good at judging, & the Virgo thing helps me feel protected. That's right, I'm protecting myself from more serious hurtful attacks. So, are horoscopes a load a rubbish?
Titter, titter.
NOTE: Virgoan men are not unhealthy for everyone. For me, personally, they generally are.
So far I have gotten along insanely well with Pisceans of both sexes. My mother, mentor & sister are/were all Pisceans. Their romantic, dreamy, hippy styles greatly match my nature.
Ur So Vain, Bet U Think This Blog's Bout U
Went to see a friend's band perform tonight at this venue am not familiar with. Brilliant night though & the band didn't disappoint.
Upon arrival I saw the venue was filled with scenesters & naturally felt out of place. Although I wasn't dressed up like a scenester, cuz am not one, I was more originally dressed than most there. No fishnets, red lipstick or died dark hair. Call me boring but I can wear the dullest outfit & STILL get stared at all damn night. Am not bragging, it's a pain. I just don't need to make such an effort like these otherwise rather plain & plump scenester chicks.
The "friends" I met up with are people I work with. Some of them I see as nothing more than colleagues, but others I'd like to be a friend to, (namely the guy in the band). He's hilarious. He really is & I luv it. In fact, we're already friends. He's recently out of a big screwwy relationship, which I can empathise with, & tonight he told me he's "starting to enjoy the freedom". I'm happy for him because I know exactly how it feels. There is nothing better than the rush of freedom, independence & autonomy one gets when free from a controlling partner.
I know a lot of people experience this but a few months down the line they're at it again! Before they know it they're trapped in another screwwy relationship with a partner telling them to dust the shelves, under the bed & that 30 mins they spent at the gym isn't long enough to even begin burning off that fat. Gee thanks.
My advice? Stay single for God's sake! Learn about yourself. Be selfish. The very moment you jump on the treadmill of life: 9-5 job, house, spouse, kids, you'll barely find time for yourself. There's a lot to be said for having time to indulge yourself, and that time should be between the ages of 18 & at least 26, when we're growing & learning about everything.
NOTE: A discussion with a mature friend of mine, who's training to be a counsellor, determined the age we learn most about ourselves. By about 26 we usually know what we're all about. Don't know if it's true yet but I take his word for it. I certainly agree that from 18 up we become aware of who we really are. Of course, life circumstances determine the age of such self-awareness, but generally let's say it starts at 18.
Amazingly, most people spend those years in a relationship with another person. In the 60's this was the norm. Women married at 18 & settled to have a family, relying on the male to provide. Now, since women are expected to get educated & earn their own, there's no need to pair up. No need at all!
Again, life circumstances cause emotions & reasons we're not even aware of, which mean we enter into relationships only to compromise, suppress & mold ourselves into something far from our true selves. This is an exhausting act & often, once out of the relationship, the sacrificing one of the two, is a shadow of themselves & relieved to be free.
At 23, I feel enlightened & free from the idea that I must be in a relationship with a man to be happy. Far from it. At 19 though, I'd lost my mother & only parent & main supply of love. A relationship was the one way I could keep some sort of love source in my life & therefore stay sane. Sadly, this was with a very wrong type of partner for me & I escaped, dazed & not knowing who the hell I was.
After a rocky year, where I entered into a healthy relationship & learnt I could have a NICE relationship with a man who likes & respects me, with great sex & lots of laughs, it came to a natural end & we parted. Finally, with love from my extended family, living alone, making decisions for myself, getting a steady job, having therapy & beginning a delayed grief process over my mother's death, I started to relax. Wow. Took a few years but I'm here, healthily single, the way I should be at my age. Feels great :-)
What I've learnt is all about me. And I like it. I'm glad I know so much about myself, because how can I know another & expect them to fall for me if I don't know myself? I'd repeat my first disastrous relationship over & over. Nightmare!
Ultimately, I don't regret that one mother huge mistake of a relationship, because I've learnt from it. At a young age, I learnt all about being controlled & manipulated by a soul-sucking, energy draining "vampire", how to have my confidence chipped away at, how to doubt myself & drive myself crazy trying to change for someone who cannot be pleased. Why? What's wrong with me? FUCK ALL that's what. I'm fine. THEY'RE not OK. They're sick & need help. Will justice prevail? HAhaha. No. With mother's treating sons as sultans, sons never learn. They marry a woman & after breaking her, end up being unhappy anyway, or they marry a woman, drive her away & end up alone. Many women marry these charming & handsome men young,thus not learning in time the true horror behind these guys. You see them, neurotic, false, beaten, hiding, quiet, or dead. But I went there, bought the t-shirt & got the hell outta there to live & tell the tale & know NEVER to make the same mistake! You won't see me with no misogynistic momma's boy. Oh no. You won't catch me being no narcissistic source, oh no.
It's sad, many women don't realise they're living with their enemy until it's too late. Thank God for what I've learnt from experience.
I'll make a great partner. No dusting, no perfect body, dislikes DVDs & takes an age to get ready to go out. A real life messy, chatty, vegan, writer girlfriend. Hey, that's just me :-)
P.S. Prince charming, the man of your dreams, the perfect man, is a myth like Santa Claus (another lesson I learned).
Upon arrival I saw the venue was filled with scenesters & naturally felt out of place. Although I wasn't dressed up like a scenester, cuz am not one, I was more originally dressed than most there. No fishnets, red lipstick or died dark hair. Call me boring but I can wear the dullest outfit & STILL get stared at all damn night. Am not bragging, it's a pain. I just don't need to make such an effort like these otherwise rather plain & plump scenester chicks.
The "friends" I met up with are people I work with. Some of them I see as nothing more than colleagues, but others I'd like to be a friend to, (namely the guy in the band). He's hilarious. He really is & I luv it. In fact, we're already friends. He's recently out of a big screwwy relationship, which I can empathise with, & tonight he told me he's "starting to enjoy the freedom". I'm happy for him because I know exactly how it feels. There is nothing better than the rush of freedom, independence & autonomy one gets when free from a controlling partner.
I know a lot of people experience this but a few months down the line they're at it again! Before they know it they're trapped in another screwwy relationship with a partner telling them to dust the shelves, under the bed & that 30 mins they spent at the gym isn't long enough to even begin burning off that fat. Gee thanks.
My advice? Stay single for God's sake! Learn about yourself. Be selfish. The very moment you jump on the treadmill of life: 9-5 job, house, spouse, kids, you'll barely find time for yourself. There's a lot to be said for having time to indulge yourself, and that time should be between the ages of 18 & at least 26, when we're growing & learning about everything.
NOTE: A discussion with a mature friend of mine, who's training to be a counsellor, determined the age we learn most about ourselves. By about 26 we usually know what we're all about. Don't know if it's true yet but I take his word for it. I certainly agree that from 18 up we become aware of who we really are. Of course, life circumstances determine the age of such self-awareness, but generally let's say it starts at 18.
Amazingly, most people spend those years in a relationship with another person. In the 60's this was the norm. Women married at 18 & settled to have a family, relying on the male to provide. Now, since women are expected to get educated & earn their own, there's no need to pair up. No need at all!
Again, life circumstances cause emotions & reasons we're not even aware of, which mean we enter into relationships only to compromise, suppress & mold ourselves into something far from our true selves. This is an exhausting act & often, once out of the relationship, the sacrificing one of the two, is a shadow of themselves & relieved to be free.
At 23, I feel enlightened & free from the idea that I must be in a relationship with a man to be happy. Far from it. At 19 though, I'd lost my mother & only parent & main supply of love. A relationship was the one way I could keep some sort of love source in my life & therefore stay sane. Sadly, this was with a very wrong type of partner for me & I escaped, dazed & not knowing who the hell I was.
After a rocky year, where I entered into a healthy relationship & learnt I could have a NICE relationship with a man who likes & respects me, with great sex & lots of laughs, it came to a natural end & we parted. Finally, with love from my extended family, living alone, making decisions for myself, getting a steady job, having therapy & beginning a delayed grief process over my mother's death, I started to relax. Wow. Took a few years but I'm here, healthily single, the way I should be at my age. Feels great :-)
What I've learnt is all about me. And I like it. I'm glad I know so much about myself, because how can I know another & expect them to fall for me if I don't know myself? I'd repeat my first disastrous relationship over & over. Nightmare!
Ultimately, I don't regret that one mother huge mistake of a relationship, because I've learnt from it. At a young age, I learnt all about being controlled & manipulated by a soul-sucking, energy draining "vampire", how to have my confidence chipped away at, how to doubt myself & drive myself crazy trying to change for someone who cannot be pleased. Why? What's wrong with me? FUCK ALL that's what. I'm fine. THEY'RE not OK. They're sick & need help. Will justice prevail? HAhaha. No. With mother's treating sons as sultans, sons never learn. They marry a woman & after breaking her, end up being unhappy anyway, or they marry a woman, drive her away & end up alone. Many women marry these charming & handsome men young,thus not learning in time the true horror behind these guys. You see them, neurotic, false, beaten, hiding, quiet, or dead. But I went there, bought the t-shirt & got the hell outta there to live & tell the tale & know NEVER to make the same mistake! You won't see me with no misogynistic momma's boy. Oh no. You won't catch me being no narcissistic source, oh no.
It's sad, many women don't realise they're living with their enemy until it's too late. Thank God for what I've learnt from experience.
I'll make a great partner. No dusting, no perfect body, dislikes DVDs & takes an age to get ready to go out. A real life messy, chatty, vegan, writer girlfriend. Hey, that's just me :-)
P.S. Prince charming, the man of your dreams, the perfect man, is a myth like Santa Claus (another lesson I learned).
Sunday 16 March 2008
Muuuuuusic
It's great, isn't it? Music. Possibly one of the best things ever to exist. I'm pleased to have rediscovered a band I enjoyed as a teen. InMe. They do rock. They're young, hot, powerful & brimming with emotion. Wow, every time.
A mature poet I know once assumed aloud how writers couldn't possibly write with rock music playing in the background. At the time, didn't speak up, because who am I? But now I can admit confidently, out loud too, that rock music is something I LOVE to hear as I write. I like sexy music for my sexy scenes, and heavy rock for my tension-filled scenes. Nothing more exciting in my sad little world. HA. When am busy drafting those scenes, the music may be off or mellower, but during brain-storming, planning, thoughtful moments & first drafts, the music does blast...just how I like it.
I'm particularly pleased to have discovered that InMe's newer stuff suits the main couple in my novel brilliantly. I'd yet to find music suiting them as a couple, & had only songs suiting their respective stories, which is fine but now I have this! "Said that we were fine, Lying all this time, You're the thorn that's in my side. & weeks go by, it's so hard to say good-bye. Take your thorn out of my side. GO!" Obviously, if my lovely young couple were to relate to these lyrics, they'd be aiming them at the God-awful Becky. (she's my sociopath).
Kisses
A mature poet I know once assumed aloud how writers couldn't possibly write with rock music playing in the background. At the time, didn't speak up, because who am I? But now I can admit confidently, out loud too, that rock music is something I LOVE to hear as I write. I like sexy music for my sexy scenes, and heavy rock for my tension-filled scenes. Nothing more exciting in my sad little world. HA. When am busy drafting those scenes, the music may be off or mellower, but during brain-storming, planning, thoughtful moments & first drafts, the music does blast...just how I like it.
I'm particularly pleased to have discovered that InMe's newer stuff suits the main couple in my novel brilliantly. I'd yet to find music suiting them as a couple, & had only songs suiting their respective stories, which is fine but now I have this! "Said that we were fine, Lying all this time, You're the thorn that's in my side. & weeks go by, it's so hard to say good-bye. Take your thorn out of my side. GO!" Obviously, if my lovely young couple were to relate to these lyrics, they'd be aiming them at the God-awful Becky. (she's my sociopath).
Kisses
Monday 10 March 2008
Being a writer
If you have talent, god-given or not, a natural talent for something, do you make a living out of it or keep it as a hobby?
NOTE: a natural talent is something you excel at naturally, not something you have to try hard at in order to excel. You may work hard at your talent, but it's enjoyable, not a chore.
A student law tutor once asked my class this: "is it fair to work all your life at school, university, & get a highly paid job, when someone who succeeds in making their hobby their career, can earn more than you in a life time?"
If you chose to make your dream your career, what led you to do this?
It's one thing to WANT to be a poet/singer/designer/sporting success/DJ, etc, but it's another thing to actually give up the 9 to 5 and DO it, day in, day out. Making your hobby your career means doing a low-paid part time job & having the motivation & discipline to actually DO your hobby for so many hours every day, finish a project & submit to the higher forces.
Dear god, is it worth it?
I'm doing it now & it sure as heck is worth it. But writing this blog means procrastinating so I'm off to get on with my book!!!!! Good luck :-)
NOTE: a natural talent is something you excel at naturally, not something you have to try hard at in order to excel. You may work hard at your talent, but it's enjoyable, not a chore.
A student law tutor once asked my class this: "is it fair to work all your life at school, university, & get a highly paid job, when someone who succeeds in making their hobby their career, can earn more than you in a life time?"
If you chose to make your dream your career, what led you to do this?
It's one thing to WANT to be a poet/singer/designer/sporting success/DJ, etc, but it's another thing to actually give up the 9 to 5 and DO it, day in, day out. Making your hobby your career means doing a low-paid part time job & having the motivation & discipline to actually DO your hobby for so many hours every day, finish a project & submit to the higher forces.
Dear god, is it worth it?
I'm doing it now & it sure as heck is worth it. But writing this blog means procrastinating so I'm off to get on with my book!!!!! Good luck :-)
sociopathic friends
Making new friends calls for us to be on our best behaviour, right? After a suitable period of time passes we feel able to relax & be ourselves, yes? Is it even possible to be ourselves when we play respective roles with every friend? How we are with one friend is not how we are with another, not because we're being false, but because we know them.
I can discuss all & sundry with my best friend forever, but with a pal of 6 months I "topic manage". Other friends may be particularly sensitive to scathing wit, so save it for those who take it blithely, only to give as good as they get. It's all about fun for me, right now: those who make me laugh, laugh at me, with me & let me laugh at them. Suffice to say, those with a chip on their shoulder (a lot of people) don't stay friends with me for long.
I recently cooled a friendship with someone who I thought had so much potential. However, past hurts encouraged me to monitor our meetings. Sure enough, 6 months past & her good behaviour waned. Her jokes came thick & fast, but she lacked the ability to relate to me & became increasingly negative; seeing the negative in almost every opinion or experience I shared, pointing out negatives I didn't see, which, in turn made me feel foolish for not seeing them. My heart slowly sank as lunch ended & I quietly drove her home, realising she is a soul-sucker, a drainer, a self-defeating demon with low esteem, low energy & ready to drain my energy.
I did confront her negative thinking, explaining I hadn't thought of the negative sides, to which she tells me to simply ignore her. But I can't. I'm already too damaged by negative people & am not about to offer myself to another. Sad.
NOTE: negative person not a pessimist (in my view), cuz we're all occasionally pessimistic & to be forever optimistic is foolish & down right annoying.
I recently heard that a sociopath is one who first tells you to "mind the carpet" when you have a nose bleed, instead of expressing concern for you. My friend of 20 yrs recently shared a similar conversation she had with another of our "friends" & the more I wonder, the more I'm proved correct instead of totally wrong, this friend is a segment short of a whole orange. Oh dear. Unfortunately for me, my best friend attracts these ppl like honey to the bee. And they never leave. Why then, am I so intent on keeping my friendship with her? Perhaps I'm so aware of sociopaths because my father is one & therefore, he is a part of me. I choose not to indulge those tendencies, & live as humanely as possible. Thank God for my mother.
NOTE: not everyone who does me wrong is a sociopath, narcissist, no, but the ones in my life (& they are in everyone's life) are most interesting because they are so alien. Recognising them has been healing & frightening, but a forever battle...
My father, the one with strong narcissistic personality disorder traits mixed with anxiety disorder traits, will always have to be "dealt with" until the day he dies, even when he lives over in Egypt. Damn texts & emails.
The mutual friend of mine & my best friend's will also, always be around, because she means a lot to my best friend, & I still hold out hope for her. As far as being highly sensitive (we're always walking on eggshells) & infuriatingly self-involved, she is. But a true sociopath? I don't know. I doubt it though she had a bad relationship with her mother as a child & her obsession with serial killers is outright weird. Still, a sociopath? Perhaps just possessing a few traits of the narcissistic personality disorder.
I know I'm not an expert, & I don't express my limited knowledge as a mechanism to "show off", no. That's what narcissists do: "I'm not a psychiatrist but..." and then they go on to talk a lot of clap trap about psychiatry to look intelligent. But I AM a writer, & I DO have freaks in my life & I enjoy analysing. So, characters, narcissism, analysis? I'm there!
P.S, if you've ever dated a narcissist (surprise, surprise I have), listen to "narcissus" by alanis morisette - you'll love it. Kisses
I can discuss all & sundry with my best friend forever, but with a pal of 6 months I "topic manage". Other friends may be particularly sensitive to scathing wit, so save it for those who take it blithely, only to give as good as they get. It's all about fun for me, right now: those who make me laugh, laugh at me, with me & let me laugh at them. Suffice to say, those with a chip on their shoulder (a lot of people) don't stay friends with me for long.
I recently cooled a friendship with someone who I thought had so much potential. However, past hurts encouraged me to monitor our meetings. Sure enough, 6 months past & her good behaviour waned. Her jokes came thick & fast, but she lacked the ability to relate to me & became increasingly negative; seeing the negative in almost every opinion or experience I shared, pointing out negatives I didn't see, which, in turn made me feel foolish for not seeing them. My heart slowly sank as lunch ended & I quietly drove her home, realising she is a soul-sucker, a drainer, a self-defeating demon with low esteem, low energy & ready to drain my energy.
I did confront her negative thinking, explaining I hadn't thought of the negative sides, to which she tells me to simply ignore her. But I can't. I'm already too damaged by negative people & am not about to offer myself to another. Sad.
NOTE: negative person not a pessimist (in my view), cuz we're all occasionally pessimistic & to be forever optimistic is foolish & down right annoying.
I recently heard that a sociopath is one who first tells you to "mind the carpet" when you have a nose bleed, instead of expressing concern for you. My friend of 20 yrs recently shared a similar conversation she had with another of our "friends" & the more I wonder, the more I'm proved correct instead of totally wrong, this friend is a segment short of a whole orange. Oh dear. Unfortunately for me, my best friend attracts these ppl like honey to the bee. And they never leave. Why then, am I so intent on keeping my friendship with her? Perhaps I'm so aware of sociopaths because my father is one & therefore, he is a part of me. I choose not to indulge those tendencies, & live as humanely as possible. Thank God for my mother.
NOTE: not everyone who does me wrong is a sociopath, narcissist, no, but the ones in my life (& they are in everyone's life) are most interesting because they are so alien. Recognising them has been healing & frightening, but a forever battle...
My father, the one with strong narcissistic personality disorder traits mixed with anxiety disorder traits, will always have to be "dealt with" until the day he dies, even when he lives over in Egypt. Damn texts & emails.
The mutual friend of mine & my best friend's will also, always be around, because she means a lot to my best friend, & I still hold out hope for her. As far as being highly sensitive (we're always walking on eggshells) & infuriatingly self-involved, she is. But a true sociopath? I don't know. I doubt it though she had a bad relationship with her mother as a child & her obsession with serial killers is outright weird. Still, a sociopath? Perhaps just possessing a few traits of the narcissistic personality disorder.
I know I'm not an expert, & I don't express my limited knowledge as a mechanism to "show off", no. That's what narcissists do: "I'm not a psychiatrist but..." and then they go on to talk a lot of clap trap about psychiatry to look intelligent. But I AM a writer, & I DO have freaks in my life & I enjoy analysing. So, characters, narcissism, analysis? I'm there!
P.S, if you've ever dated a narcissist (surprise, surprise I have), listen to "narcissus" by alanis morisette - you'll love it. Kisses
Sunday 9 March 2008
Motherland
In a charity shop, happy to have found a near perfect copy of Maeve Binchy's Whitethorn Woods, my mobile sounded. It was my best friend of 20 yrs. "Stay calm," she said. Slightly stressed I played it cool and asked, "What is it?" The news of my best friend's week spent in hospital panicked me and I gasped, only for her to say, "I said stay calm. Now, I've got some news." I didn't have to pretend to be cool anymore, because I was confident I already knew her news; she was coming home for her 23rd birthday. WRONG. She's 10 wks pregnant. My first sounded thought is how can I help her? She's in Paisley & I'm still in damn Hull. Then it dawns on me...she has a partner now, who loves her dearly. It's just hard to remember this. She met him abroad & therefore, away from me, spent 6 months with him, without me, & they share something with each other that I've never shared with a romantic partner. For Heaven's sake, she (the home bird that she is) has moved to Scotland to be with him. And, unlike her other boyfriends, I don't know this one very well, although what I do know I like (unusual).
I'm God mother too. Fat lot of use I'll be. I asked her if she's sure about that & her reply, "I'm not asking you I'm telling you, Sass." OK. It dawns on me. Future girlie hols, shopping trips, nights out, sleepovers, all forgo for this child.
Losing my best friend to her partner & Paisley was a real loss... and I mourned. Losing her to a child is going to be forever. Yes yes yes I am being selfish but damn if I can't be selfish on my own blog where the hell can I be?
I love my best friend. I have some incredible memories of her. I admire her, I trust her, I like her, I respect her, but I also disagree with some things she says or does, but never to the extent that I dislike her. So I'm very lucky, & I just prey that if nothing in this f*cking horrific life has torn us apart yet, nothing ever will.
She'll be a loving, communicative mother, & I've no doubts it'll all work out fine.
But I have to ask for the hell of it - When is the right time to have a child? Is it really true there is never a right time? Surely, sometimes the wrong time is right all along...?
psychotic characters
Psychology fascinates me, not enough so I wanna get a degree in it, but in a book store, I can spend hours in the pop psychology department. And I usually end up buying something. As a writer people's behaviour fascinates me. Not sure when this interest began, but I guess my mother's thirteen years working with Hull's most horrific pedophiles sparked it. What do you think?
There's nothing better than writing a psycho/sociopathic character into a novel because of their weirdness. I love it because it's alien to me. I'm a good person. I'm good to others for no reason than it's my natural impulse to be good. If someone I work with mentions their birthday, I'll get 'em a card. (but then I feel bad for the tree)
I'm a strong believer in monsters existing in human form & that good-natured folk's greatest weakness is believing all people are good deep down inside. Deep down inside some people are bad. Funnily, I wondered about this stuff as a child & as an adult, the more I learn, the more sure I am that there are different types of human beings. Those with a part of the brain for conscience & empathy & those without. Nothing's black & white so I concede, sure, there are those with a conscience who are cruel regardless; they're monsters too.
Name-calling time!
I'm certain my father has a personality disorder. Granted, no one should go around calling people names undiagnosed, especially when professionals can disagree with each others diagnoses, but he's my father & having being abused by him I feel fine in diagnosing him with definite leanings toward narcissistic & anxiety disorders. Frasier Crane once said: "Knowledge is power." But I also find knowledge to be healing. Knowing that my father's paranoid, angry, frightening & downright insane behaviour is nothing to do with me but all to do with himself & his own disorder heals me greatly. But it also sparked a fascination with personality disorders, of which I was always interested but now I like the characters in my books to be diseased of the mind somehow.
Other freaks in my life as a child growing up? Cruel baby-sitter. Neurotic aunt. Emotionally crippled Nana (cruel to my mummy in front of me). I could go on, but I won't in this entry.
So this entry has all been about me really - my favourite subject! One of. Have to say, this blog is gonna be a cool place for me to spout off all my opinions on stuff. And no I am not gonna use huge, big words. What is the point when smaller ones will do? Though I luv my English language & my big words I truly do, but am not pretentious...which reminds me...why is it considered pretentious to use technical terminology, archaic words and words with multiple syllables? Kisses
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