Update

Hey hey blog update. Just read my previous entries: wow I come across as such a d***. It goes to show I was right about how much we change in our 20's! Oh, and the guy I liked so much whose band I watched, I'm his girlfriend now (more about that later). My eating issues? Nearly all stamped out! Can you believe it back in March I couldn't imagine myself without it? Look at me now! I kinda got ill one thing after another September til now, and that prevented my gym visits & I thought "maybe I should eat more." So now I've gained weight. I'm 8 & 1/2 stone insteada 7 stone but I don't mind it too much. Oh yeah, I went from being Vegan to Vegetarian too back in May when holidayed with a pal & didn't wanna be awkward. Ya know how it is (well, you do if you have a conscience). I stopped seeing my therapist in June, but often whine to her via email. God bless her soul. She's an angel. Always responds. I'm very lucky to have her. I'm less close to some of my extended family, but there are many reasons for this. I need friendships with people who accept me for who I am now as a 24 yr old young woman, not people who dismiss my values because they're not the same as theirs. I am my mother's child & I can't mould myself into someone else's wants. Needless to say, my God mothering days are over. (thank god).
I am struggling with a few issues at the moment, very low, very unhappy. But there are a lot of positive aspects to my life right now so I didn't quite understand it when I started having incapacitating stomach cramps. The GP diagnosed them as anxiety related. Hmm. I didn't think I was any more anxious than anyone else...save for the exeptionally laid back: my boyfriend & mother for starters.
I think the GP might be right though. So Anita's sent me some meditative excersices for stress relief, which I haven't stuck to this week, sh*t. I a drinking tons of herbal tea, eating more, having busy days but still saving lots of time for myself (much to my boyfriend's frustration).
At the end of September I got a virus. Just the usual sore throat, which leads to a runny nose & those horrid aches and pains in bed, but goes after a few days. 3 wks later it returned & lingered for 2 wks! Then my period came, great, and I got another virus for a week, then I got a mouth ulcer & some weird lumps in my neck where I never knew I had glands that could swell. The I got another virus, which went away for a day & came back this week. AWESOME!!! I swear to god I haven't felt like exerting myself at all, so thank goodness I'm a writer. Sitting and reading or writing or working on some college work only really exhausts my mind, which I can still handle without catching some mind flu. Touch wood. I actually feel alright tonight, but for how long for no one knows. Aparently, if a person is unhappy, stressed, anxious, it can depress their imune system. I wonder if this is what has happened to me? But why am I unhappy?
Let's see: my mum's dead. Oh ya that's number one. My boyfriend left the job we both worked at to concentrate on his final yr of studies. Fine except he's the only guy at work who entertained me non-stop. I swear everytime he made me laugh this yr it makes up for all the tears I cried last yr. People I liked at work have slowly left. The job isn't challenging for me anymore, either. I am not as happy with my body as I was so I'm more self-conscious during sex (something Tom does not understand). I'm lonely. I miss my mum & the knowledge that no one I ever meet will ever fill that void is crucifying. Not having my mum to ask when I need guidance hurts, a lot. I'm scared. I'm worried I'm making the wrong decisions in life. I hate not feeling daily love, knowing what it's like & that it's beenn taken away from me. Yeah, that's enlightening. Maybe I am stressed after all. Anita once asked if I know how to be happy. I can't remember what I said, probably yes. And I know how to be happy now too, but when it's over I'm alone again, sad, hurting. Hmm. That's never gonna go. Unless I become a wife & a mum? That's another thing to update on actually; children. I think I will adopt, providing I can afford to & am stable enough. There are so many poor children in Hull needing love, perhaps sometime in the future I can look further into this possibility.
Lots of topics here for future blogs. Right now though, my nose is cold, my back aches & I want a hot drink.