Crushes

For the most part of this year I'd been in a funk. Feeling low, not minding if the Grim Reaper came for me, having little body confidence & sex was the last thing on my mind. I don't think it even made the list.

This past month I've noticed my mojo return, and with a vengeance. There are certain new things I want to try when I next have sex & a certain new view I have of the act; it doesn't have to be about being someone's girlfriend. There doesn't have to be an aim behind it. I still stand by the rule that one night stands are overrated & that relationship sex is best for meeting one another's needs in bed. However, I like the idea of having male friends with whom I can share intimacy with, without having to worry about being a good girlfriend. This sounds like a fuck buddy, but I'm not sure that's the correct term for it, as I would, maybe once every two weeks like to hang out with the guy too, just have fun as well as sex. Now it sounds like a relationship. But I find being in a relationship taxing. Wondering about them, considering them, the whole selflessness of it. I've been there & done it & unless a guy's gonna make u his wife, why put in the time & effort for someone who is merely enjoying your company? I want to be a friend, but not lose myself. I want to have my own life, as I have had in past relationships, but not have to tell someone where I am, when I'll be back, that I need a few days space & then feel the villain for being unloving or insensitive or ungiving. I've never made the mistake of dropping my life for a new one with a boyfriend, but I have given a lot of myself in those relationships. My last serious relationship was with my best friend Tom, and there I got it wrong too. There I was the villain because I was his girlfriend & expected to want to see him at least once or twice a week, but I didn't want to. There were other things I wanted to do with my time, and that hasn't changed. I see my friends when I want, unless they're in dyer need of course.

So now I want sex & to hang out when I want. I think men do this, so why can't I? I don't want lots & lots of lovers, but a couple would be nice, but then am not greedy, & right now, just one would be great.

So, onto the boring bit, my crush. This past couple months I've noticed my mojo reawakening with every crush I've had. And there have been many. It's been a new one every one or two weeks! My most recent crush is a customer from work, who has in the past tipped me £4.50 for retaining his forgotten change. He's hot. His hair is dyed different colours every few weeks, he has facial piercings (lip & nose I think) and his eyes are the most amazing blue I've ever seen. They're like jewels. And this coming from me; I love & always have found brown eyes most attractive.

I don't kno what it is about him, clearly his appearance, but it really hits the spot. He looks dirty, dangerous & I wanna shag him all over. LOL, so crass, but so TRUE! He's tall & wears jumpers over shirts...cuuute! The girls at work claim I have "dodgy taste", whatever! When I'm attracted to someone I'm attracted to them. End of. And unless they reveal an ugly personality, that attraction remains.

Anyway, on Thurs night at work this guy next to him was complimenting me, who I thanked & raised my eyebrows & had a little chuckle with Taz (I found out that's his nick name - who knows his actual name though?) Taz didn't tip me at all that night, but when I picked up the wrong glass with the wrong spirit in by mistake he pointed it out to me & said "Good job i work in a bar" - and I asked which one & he said "Pave" & I said I'd never seen him there & he said he's "there every day". So the next night I went for a couple drinks & a catch up in Pave with one of my fave friends, Claire. It was heaving so we sat outside where it was less crowded & I could smoke. I went to the bar & told the bar staff who I am acquainted with that "he's hot" nodding over at Taz. She proceeded to tell him & upon returning I asked her if that was negative & she said "Oh he's just being cool", then a guy, earwigging, said, "Taz is too cool." I returned to Claire & when the time came for Taz to collect empty glasses from our table I looked up at him & said, "Hii" & he looked down & said "Hi, u alright." Shocked at myself I think I nodded and turned my attention back to Claire. Now, I could have continued the small-talk by replying & asking him how he was but I was freakin out & was just pleased that I'd acknowledged him. It's so stupid, but I'm really enjoying being back in the game.

On to first moves. Although I admire those who are bold enough to make the first move, & I always say so when a guy does this with me. I am not used to guys taking that chance on me. Often, I have to do it, but it's been a while since I've had to, or wanted to, but I don't mind it. People aren't mind readers & it's better to look back & feel glad to have made the effort, taken that chance, even if it lead to rejection, then to look back & think "I wish I'd done something because now I'll never know what could've happened." My philosophy is; if you're rejected, then you're one step closer to the guy who is right for you.

So I've let someone know I like him, who has let him know & I've said "Hi." What much more can I do. See if he turns up Thurs to further the flirting. And if he turns up but avoids my bar, then I'll know it's a "no". How sad :( but if he comes up & continues to be friendly with me, then maybe there's a chance something could happen. I really hope so because I really wanna fuck him. I know it sounds harsh using that word on this blog but u don't understand how rampant I am!!!

Tom knew him at school & I believe he's younger than me, so what?

p.s. is this another way to put off moving to London to be with Tom? If I move there, I'll have a fresh start but I'll be away from friends, & jobless for a while & without a house of my own & with only Tom, who is my most fave person in the world, but is he my whole world? No. Plus, Tom's told me he'd like to be back in a relationship with me but no pressure. When I'm with him it's great. But I would like to date/have sex with other guys. UGH! Whyyyyy is life so hard?!

Back to Taz; I want him bad! But when I've got him, what then? lol, p.p.s if he's a cool dude, this might be a no-starter or a dream. Nice though. Tom tells me he's a lovely guy, had the odd relationship that hasn't lasted long. Hmm. Small willie?! Kidding, kidding. Prob just young, lazy & too serious.

Ur So Vain, Bet U Think This Blog's Bout U

Went to see a friend's band perform tonight at this venue am not familiar with. Brilliant night though & the band didn't disappoint.

Upon arrival I saw the venue was filled with scenesters & naturally felt out of place. Although I wasn't dressed up like a scenester, cuz am not one, I was more originally dressed than most there. No fishnets, red lipstick or died dark hair. Call me boring but I can wear the dullest outfit & STILL get stared at all damn night. Am not bragging, it's a pain. I just don't need to make such an effort like these otherwise rather plain & plump scenester chicks.

The "friends" I met up with are people I work with. Some of them I see as nothing more than colleagues, but others I'd like to be a friend to, (namely the guy in the band). He's hilarious. He really is & I luv it. In fact, we're already friends. He's recently out of a big screwwy relationship, which I can empathise with, & tonight he told me he's "starting to enjoy the freedom". I'm happy for him because I know exactly how it feels. There is nothing better than the rush of freedom, independence & autonomy one gets when free from a controlling partner.
I know a lot of people experience this but a few months down the line they're at it again! Before they know it they're trapped in another screwwy relationship with a partner telling them to dust the shelves, under the bed & that 30 mins they spent at the gym isn't long enough to even begin burning off that fat. Gee thanks.

My advice? Stay single for God's sake! Learn about yourself. Be selfish. The very moment you jump on the treadmill of life: 9-5 job, house, spouse, kids, you'll barely find time for yourself. There's a lot to be said for having time to indulge yourself, and that time should be between the ages of 18 & at least 26, when we're growing & learning about everything.

NOTE: A discussion with a mature friend of mine, who's training to be a counsellor, determined the age we learn most about ourselves. By about 26 we usually know what we're all about. Don't know if it's true yet but I take his word for it. I certainly agree that from 18 up we become aware of who we really are. Of course, life circumstances determine the age of such self-awareness, but generally let's say it starts at 18.

Amazingly, most people spend those years in a relationship with another person. In the 60's this was the norm. Women married at 18 & settled to have a family, relying on the male to provide. Now, since women are expected to get educated & earn their own, there's no need to pair up. No need at all!
Again, life circumstances cause emotions & reasons we're not even aware of, which mean we enter into relationships only to compromise, suppress & mold ourselves into something far from our true selves. This is an exhausting act & often, once out of the relationship, the sacrificing one of the two, is a shadow of themselves & relieved to be free.

At 23, I feel enlightened & free from the idea that I must be in a relationship with a man to be happy. Far from it. At 19 though, I'd lost my mother & only parent & main supply of love. A relationship was the one way I could keep some sort of love source in my life & therefore stay sane. Sadly, this was with a very wrong type of partner for me & I escaped, dazed & not knowing who the hell I was.

After a rocky year, where I entered into a healthy relationship & learnt I could have a NICE relationship with a man who likes & respects me, with great sex & lots of laughs, it came to a natural end & we parted. Finally, with love from my extended family, living alone, making decisions for myself, getting a steady job, having therapy & beginning a delayed grief process over my mother's death, I started to relax. Wow. Took a few years but I'm here, healthily single, the way I should be at my age. Feels great :-)

What I've learnt is all about me. And I like it. I'm glad I know so much about myself, because how can I know another & expect them to fall for me if I don't know myself? I'd repeat my first disastrous relationship over & over. Nightmare!

Ultimately, I don't regret that one mother huge mistake of a relationship, because I've learnt from it. At a young age, I learnt all about being controlled & manipulated by a soul-sucking, energy draining "vampire", how to have my confidence chipped away at, how to doubt myself & drive myself crazy trying to change for someone who cannot be pleased. Why? What's wrong with me? FUCK ALL that's what. I'm fine. THEY'RE not OK. They're sick & need help. Will justice prevail? HAhaha. No. With mother's treating sons as sultans, sons never learn. They marry a woman & after breaking her, end up being unhappy anyway, or they marry a woman, drive her away & end up alone. Many women marry these charming & handsome men young,thus not learning in time the true horror behind these guys. You see them, neurotic, false, beaten, hiding, quiet, or dead. But I went there, bought the t-shirt & got the hell outta there to live & tell the tale & know NEVER to make the same mistake! You won't see me with no misogynistic momma's boy. Oh no. You won't catch me being no narcissistic source, oh no.

It's sad, many women don't realise they're living with their enemy until it's too late. Thank God for what I've learnt from experience.

I'll make a great partner. No dusting, no perfect body, dislikes DVDs & takes an age to get ready to go out. A real life messy, chatty, vegan, writer girlfriend. Hey, that's just me :-)

P.S. Prince charming, the man of your dreams, the perfect man, is a myth like Santa Claus (another lesson I learned).