Crushes

For the most part of this year I'd been in a funk. Feeling low, not minding if the Grim Reaper came for me, having little body confidence & sex was the last thing on my mind. I don't think it even made the list.

This past month I've noticed my mojo return, and with a vengeance. There are certain new things I want to try when I next have sex & a certain new view I have of the act; it doesn't have to be about being someone's girlfriend. There doesn't have to be an aim behind it. I still stand by the rule that one night stands are overrated & that relationship sex is best for meeting one another's needs in bed. However, I like the idea of having male friends with whom I can share intimacy with, without having to worry about being a good girlfriend. This sounds like a fuck buddy, but I'm not sure that's the correct term for it, as I would, maybe once every two weeks like to hang out with the guy too, just have fun as well as sex. Now it sounds like a relationship. But I find being in a relationship taxing. Wondering about them, considering them, the whole selflessness of it. I've been there & done it & unless a guy's gonna make u his wife, why put in the time & effort for someone who is merely enjoying your company? I want to be a friend, but not lose myself. I want to have my own life, as I have had in past relationships, but not have to tell someone where I am, when I'll be back, that I need a few days space & then feel the villain for being unloving or insensitive or ungiving. I've never made the mistake of dropping my life for a new one with a boyfriend, but I have given a lot of myself in those relationships. My last serious relationship was with my best friend Tom, and there I got it wrong too. There I was the villain because I was his girlfriend & expected to want to see him at least once or twice a week, but I didn't want to. There were other things I wanted to do with my time, and that hasn't changed. I see my friends when I want, unless they're in dyer need of course.

So now I want sex & to hang out when I want. I think men do this, so why can't I? I don't want lots & lots of lovers, but a couple would be nice, but then am not greedy, & right now, just one would be great.

So, onto the boring bit, my crush. This past couple months I've noticed my mojo reawakening with every crush I've had. And there have been many. It's been a new one every one or two weeks! My most recent crush is a customer from work, who has in the past tipped me £4.50 for retaining his forgotten change. He's hot. His hair is dyed different colours every few weeks, he has facial piercings (lip & nose I think) and his eyes are the most amazing blue I've ever seen. They're like jewels. And this coming from me; I love & always have found brown eyes most attractive.

I don't kno what it is about him, clearly his appearance, but it really hits the spot. He looks dirty, dangerous & I wanna shag him all over. LOL, so crass, but so TRUE! He's tall & wears jumpers over shirts...cuuute! The girls at work claim I have "dodgy taste", whatever! When I'm attracted to someone I'm attracted to them. End of. And unless they reveal an ugly personality, that attraction remains.

Anyway, on Thurs night at work this guy next to him was complimenting me, who I thanked & raised my eyebrows & had a little chuckle with Taz (I found out that's his nick name - who knows his actual name though?) Taz didn't tip me at all that night, but when I picked up the wrong glass with the wrong spirit in by mistake he pointed it out to me & said "Good job i work in a bar" - and I asked which one & he said "Pave" & I said I'd never seen him there & he said he's "there every day". So the next night I went for a couple drinks & a catch up in Pave with one of my fave friends, Claire. It was heaving so we sat outside where it was less crowded & I could smoke. I went to the bar & told the bar staff who I am acquainted with that "he's hot" nodding over at Taz. She proceeded to tell him & upon returning I asked her if that was negative & she said "Oh he's just being cool", then a guy, earwigging, said, "Taz is too cool." I returned to Claire & when the time came for Taz to collect empty glasses from our table I looked up at him & said, "Hii" & he looked down & said "Hi, u alright." Shocked at myself I think I nodded and turned my attention back to Claire. Now, I could have continued the small-talk by replying & asking him how he was but I was freakin out & was just pleased that I'd acknowledged him. It's so stupid, but I'm really enjoying being back in the game.

On to first moves. Although I admire those who are bold enough to make the first move, & I always say so when a guy does this with me. I am not used to guys taking that chance on me. Often, I have to do it, but it's been a while since I've had to, or wanted to, but I don't mind it. People aren't mind readers & it's better to look back & feel glad to have made the effort, taken that chance, even if it lead to rejection, then to look back & think "I wish I'd done something because now I'll never know what could've happened." My philosophy is; if you're rejected, then you're one step closer to the guy who is right for you.

So I've let someone know I like him, who has let him know & I've said "Hi." What much more can I do. See if he turns up Thurs to further the flirting. And if he turns up but avoids my bar, then I'll know it's a "no". How sad :( but if he comes up & continues to be friendly with me, then maybe there's a chance something could happen. I really hope so because I really wanna fuck him. I know it sounds harsh using that word on this blog but u don't understand how rampant I am!!!

Tom knew him at school & I believe he's younger than me, so what?

p.s. is this another way to put off moving to London to be with Tom? If I move there, I'll have a fresh start but I'll be away from friends, & jobless for a while & without a house of my own & with only Tom, who is my most fave person in the world, but is he my whole world? No. Plus, Tom's told me he'd like to be back in a relationship with me but no pressure. When I'm with him it's great. But I would like to date/have sex with other guys. UGH! Whyyyyy is life so hard?!

Back to Taz; I want him bad! But when I've got him, what then? lol, p.p.s if he's a cool dude, this might be a no-starter or a dream. Nice though. Tom tells me he's a lovely guy, had the odd relationship that hasn't lasted long. Hmm. Small willie?! Kidding, kidding. Prob just young, lazy & too serious.

Motherland

In a charity shop, happy to have found a near perfect copy of Maeve Binchy's Whitethorn Woods, my mobile sounded. It was my best friend of 20 yrs. "Stay calm," she said. Slightly stressed I played it cool and asked, "What is it?" The news of my best friend's week spent in hospital panicked me and I gasped, only for her to say, "I said stay calm. Now, I've got some news." I didn't have to pretend to be cool anymore, because I was confident I already knew her news; she was coming home for her 23rd birthday. WRONG. She's 10 wks pregnant. My first sounded thought is how can I help her? She's in Paisley & I'm still in damn Hull. Then it dawns on me...she has a partner now, who loves her dearly. It's just hard to remember this. She met him abroad & therefore, away from me, spent 6 months with him, without me, & they share something with each other that I've never shared with a romantic partner. For Heaven's sake, she (the home bird that she is) has moved to Scotland to be with him. And, unlike her other boyfriends, I don't know this one very well, although what I do know I like (unusual).

I'm God mother too. Fat lot of use I'll be. I asked her if she's sure about that & her reply, "I'm not asking you I'm telling you, Sass." OK. It dawns on me. Future girlie hols, shopping trips, nights out, sleepovers, all forgo for this child.

Losing my best friend to her partner & Paisley was a real loss... and I mourned. Losing her to a child is going to be forever. Yes yes yes I am being selfish but damn if I can't be selfish on my own blog where the hell can I be?

I love my best friend. I have some incredible memories of her. I admire her, I trust her, I like her, I respect her, but I also disagree with some things she says or does, but never to the extent that I dislike her. So I'm very lucky, & I just prey that if nothing in this f*cking horrific life has torn us apart yet, nothing ever will.

She'll be a loving, communicative mother, & I've no doubts it'll all work out fine.

But I have to ask for the hell of it - When is the right time to have a child? Is it really true there is never a right time? Surely, sometimes the wrong time is right all along...?