Spit It Out

How do you eat?

I eat abnormally & have done for two years.

What is normal ?

Don't many of us now "watch" what we eat? Aren't we generally more educated about food?

Shopping...unless for binge food... is a giant head ache for me. Anything I'm going to consume, the label has to be checked, rechecked & triple checked for fat percentage, saturated fat content, number of calories, carb & protein grams. Seems to be the norm for lots of folks now, though.

As a Vegan, the vast majority of everything I eat is natural, raw, organic & naturally good for me without the palaver of checking labels. Still, Vegetarians & Vegans must ensure they don't over do it on the carbs. No diet is without it's risks, I guess.

I think my mother's death sparked my freak out over food...although there was this big eating disorder phase as a teen & my fathers critical opinions of me. Yeah, yeah, all that childhood nonsense. (Crap my therapist better not read this!) But my mum's cancer was so rare & aggressive (sorry to everyone who lost someone to cancer, I acknowledge the horrifying truth of all cancers), & my mum was so healthy: ate well, cooking everything afresh, exercising, positive thinking. However, I believe the tirade of fad diets she unleashed on her body over the years & her stressful occupation won't have done her any favours, and then childhood traumas, stifled & not dealt with are enough to account for the tree-trunk tumors setting up roots in her bones & cells & womb & lungs.
FUCK TUMORS.

I sometimes wonder if I'll die young like my mum, which makes me panic about ever starting a family with anyone. I know one thing for sure, I'll try my damndest to have more than one child so if I do die young, it's never left alone like I was. Can you say, nightmare?

I'm sort of pleased that my eating disorder has taken away my menstrual cycle cuz there's no chance of me having a period, getting pregnant & then not being strong enough to be a mother, thus leaving a child alone to struggle.

Therapist said I won't get over the death of my mum because we didn't part naturally like most loving mums & daughters do. We were "torn"/"ripped" apart unnaturally. She did this thing with her index fingers, crossing them & then wrenching them apart. It struck a chord.

Don't know why am babbling about counselling sessions. Maybe it's because they're coming to an end after ten hard months of them. I've asked if I can keep my therapist forever, for when all the rest of the shit yet to hit me...hits. It's agreed. Phew.

Anyway, this one particular disturbed eating habit I have, I cant stop. It's bad. Sometimes it's out of control, sometimes I keep it under control. Therapist says they're not too worried bout it, & neither am I but I wonder if it's always gonna be with me. Right now I can't imagine my life without it. What am I gonna be like? A wife? A mother with this weird secret eating thing? It's so embarrassing & shameful. I thought I'd outgrow it (therapist still thinks I will), but after doing it for two years, it seems a part of who I am now, & a way to suppress any emotions I can't healthily handle.

Ah well, FUCK FOOD too.