Crushes

For the most part of this year I'd been in a funk. Feeling low, not minding if the Grim Reaper came for me, having little body confidence & sex was the last thing on my mind. I don't think it even made the list.

This past month I've noticed my mojo return, and with a vengeance. There are certain new things I want to try when I next have sex & a certain new view I have of the act; it doesn't have to be about being someone's girlfriend. There doesn't have to be an aim behind it. I still stand by the rule that one night stands are overrated & that relationship sex is best for meeting one another's needs in bed. However, I like the idea of having male friends with whom I can share intimacy with, without having to worry about being a good girlfriend. This sounds like a fuck buddy, but I'm not sure that's the correct term for it, as I would, maybe once every two weeks like to hang out with the guy too, just have fun as well as sex. Now it sounds like a relationship. But I find being in a relationship taxing. Wondering about them, considering them, the whole selflessness of it. I've been there & done it & unless a guy's gonna make u his wife, why put in the time & effort for someone who is merely enjoying your company? I want to be a friend, but not lose myself. I want to have my own life, as I have had in past relationships, but not have to tell someone where I am, when I'll be back, that I need a few days space & then feel the villain for being unloving or insensitive or ungiving. I've never made the mistake of dropping my life for a new one with a boyfriend, but I have given a lot of myself in those relationships. My last serious relationship was with my best friend Tom, and there I got it wrong too. There I was the villain because I was his girlfriend & expected to want to see him at least once or twice a week, but I didn't want to. There were other things I wanted to do with my time, and that hasn't changed. I see my friends when I want, unless they're in dyer need of course.

So now I want sex & to hang out when I want. I think men do this, so why can't I? I don't want lots & lots of lovers, but a couple would be nice, but then am not greedy, & right now, just one would be great.

So, onto the boring bit, my crush. This past couple months I've noticed my mojo reawakening with every crush I've had. And there have been many. It's been a new one every one or two weeks! My most recent crush is a customer from work, who has in the past tipped me £4.50 for retaining his forgotten change. He's hot. His hair is dyed different colours every few weeks, he has facial piercings (lip & nose I think) and his eyes are the most amazing blue I've ever seen. They're like jewels. And this coming from me; I love & always have found brown eyes most attractive.

I don't kno what it is about him, clearly his appearance, but it really hits the spot. He looks dirty, dangerous & I wanna shag him all over. LOL, so crass, but so TRUE! He's tall & wears jumpers over shirts...cuuute! The girls at work claim I have "dodgy taste", whatever! When I'm attracted to someone I'm attracted to them. End of. And unless they reveal an ugly personality, that attraction remains.

Anyway, on Thurs night at work this guy next to him was complimenting me, who I thanked & raised my eyebrows & had a little chuckle with Taz (I found out that's his nick name - who knows his actual name though?) Taz didn't tip me at all that night, but when I picked up the wrong glass with the wrong spirit in by mistake he pointed it out to me & said "Good job i work in a bar" - and I asked which one & he said "Pave" & I said I'd never seen him there & he said he's "there every day". So the next night I went for a couple drinks & a catch up in Pave with one of my fave friends, Claire. It was heaving so we sat outside where it was less crowded & I could smoke. I went to the bar & told the bar staff who I am acquainted with that "he's hot" nodding over at Taz. She proceeded to tell him & upon returning I asked her if that was negative & she said "Oh he's just being cool", then a guy, earwigging, said, "Taz is too cool." I returned to Claire & when the time came for Taz to collect empty glasses from our table I looked up at him & said, "Hii" & he looked down & said "Hi, u alright." Shocked at myself I think I nodded and turned my attention back to Claire. Now, I could have continued the small-talk by replying & asking him how he was but I was freakin out & was just pleased that I'd acknowledged him. It's so stupid, but I'm really enjoying being back in the game.

On to first moves. Although I admire those who are bold enough to make the first move, & I always say so when a guy does this with me. I am not used to guys taking that chance on me. Often, I have to do it, but it's been a while since I've had to, or wanted to, but I don't mind it. People aren't mind readers & it's better to look back & feel glad to have made the effort, taken that chance, even if it lead to rejection, then to look back & think "I wish I'd done something because now I'll never know what could've happened." My philosophy is; if you're rejected, then you're one step closer to the guy who is right for you.

So I've let someone know I like him, who has let him know & I've said "Hi." What much more can I do. See if he turns up Thurs to further the flirting. And if he turns up but avoids my bar, then I'll know it's a "no". How sad :( but if he comes up & continues to be friendly with me, then maybe there's a chance something could happen. I really hope so because I really wanna fuck him. I know it sounds harsh using that word on this blog but u don't understand how rampant I am!!!

Tom knew him at school & I believe he's younger than me, so what?

p.s. is this another way to put off moving to London to be with Tom? If I move there, I'll have a fresh start but I'll be away from friends, & jobless for a while & without a house of my own & with only Tom, who is my most fave person in the world, but is he my whole world? No. Plus, Tom's told me he'd like to be back in a relationship with me but no pressure. When I'm with him it's great. But I would like to date/have sex with other guys. UGH! Whyyyyy is life so hard?!

Back to Taz; I want him bad! But when I've got him, what then? lol, p.p.s if he's a cool dude, this might be a no-starter or a dream. Nice though. Tom tells me he's a lovely guy, had the odd relationship that hasn't lasted long. Hmm. Small willie?! Kidding, kidding. Prob just young, lazy & too serious.

Death

Last night whilst in bed I heard on the radio that Patrick Swayze had died at 57 years of age. Then I woke up only to see on the TV that Keith Floyd had also died, but of a heart attack. This got me thinking about the time I was driving in my car & heard over the radio that Heath Ledge had died. Since then, numerous celebrities had died. These people were wondeful creative people and/or entertainers & all of them died young, leaving behind families. This is something I identify with deeply. Because my mother died young too, leaving behind me. And it is with the children of these people that I identify with most. I feel empathy with the loss of a parent. And not just any parent, but a popular, talented parent. Heath Ledger, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, John Hughes & Patrick Swayze. The world too feels the loss of these beloved ones. But there is also the DJ AM and Keith Floyds. Lesser known about them, but still dead celebrities.

It got me thinking that there are now vacancies for out standing performers, writers, sexy actors/dancers and amazing actors. Will new talent sprout? Will any one step into their places? Or will new talent emerge, delighting the world in a whole new way? One things for sure, people such as Heath, Michael and Patrick will not be forgotten, not least by their own families but by the world. Although I hadn't given it much thought in the past, I imagined such icons living forever. Never aging. But now they're gone, and I live ina world without them. The world seems all the more dull, and the end all the more inevitable. But their deaths have given me (a no one from nowhere) a slight, only slight, comfort, that not only my mother (of great importance to me) has died, but that people all around the world of great importance are dying too, hopefully going where she has gone.

Another great loss I am feeling is that of my best friend Tom. He is moving to London after being offered the job of his dreams & I will miss him in a painful way. I don't want to lose him.

write; be recognized, earn or resent

The title sums up the mindset of some writers - published & unpublished - revealed to me in a blog entry that was advertised on Twitter by Ellen Meister. I think it's by US agent Jenny Bent.

I have to express how much it saddens me to read how it's a given that some writers resent another's success and feel selling a book for "15k" is disappointing. Surely six figure deals are hard to come by. In my view, "15k" is a huge amount of money & a huge success. It should be seen as an incentive to do better if money is a motivation. I understand how the point of writing full time is to earn enough so the day job can go but what's so awful about keeping a full or part time job? Surely it serves as inspiration or motivation?

It just hadn't occurred to me for a while that there are writers out there who are motivated by equal measures of a passion for writing and earning potential. And it absolutely hadn't occurred to me to envy other writers for their success. I have two playwright pals who I feel nothing but ecstacy for whenever they achieve. I don't need a blog by an agent to remind me to be positive. I am positive. Anyone letting themselves get down because of another's success and a lack of recognition is undeserving to me. Write cuz u luv it, and for no other purpose. Don't whine on about how so & so is doing better than you. *shakes head* exhales. Rant over.

p.s. I appreciate how naive I come across in this post but I don't care.

Head-strong Girlfriends

So I woke up after my Hellish day yesterday, groomed myself & before six thirty pm I was at Tom's new place. Natch, I needed help getting into the place, but once inside I loved it. It is so Tom. From the bottles of Port on the side to different kinds of Olive oil in the kitchen. Not to mention the eclectic art work. I love Tom. There are things about him that occasionally grate on me, (our boss reminds me of Jay from Kevin Smiths movies. Don't expect Tom to know who Kevin Smith is!) as I'm sure there are things about me that do the same to him, but he is one of my favorite people. I missed having him in my life, but I know I hurt him, & think I've made a careful task of keeping him on my radar. I've given him space, I feel he's licked his wounds & now we can get on with being best friends, like I always wanted. And what a best friend he is. I am myself with him. I can talk to him about anything. I'm very comfortable with him. He is my perfect newest best friend.
I was careful not to drink too much, stay over or even kiss him, just to see what it's like, for fear of ruining all of my careful work. But I did make the mistake of telling him not to let slip to Daniel that I'd gone to see him.
(I'd told Daniel earlier on that I didn't want to meet up that night, owing to feeling run down, low & having a bad day. I don't wanna moan all night to my date!)
But guess who I can moan to for twenty minutes straight without feeling too bad about it? Tom! But that's what friends do. They share secrets, complaints, trust, conspiracies, and it hopefully works.
Tom & I had a hoot. Boy can that guy make me laugh, and I make him laugh. And we laugh so hard it hurts sometimes, well, quite a lot of the time.
This guy I make fun of, one of my customers at work, but he's friends with everyone at work and all the other locals/regulars, walked by the window, where Tom & I were sat eating some veg he'd "roasted the fuck out of" (it's amusing hearing him swear because he's so Hugh Grant pompous). Anyway we rang him & I was able to take the proverbial Mick out of him, calling him "fat nuts Jack". It's just funny. Anyway, then we settled onto the sofa & for a long time I'd had an aching back. Tom was more than happy to massage me. He's good at it because he doesn't act all soft & sensual. He knows am in pain & goes for it. Great stuff. Today, my back feels much better!! But it gave him chance to give me a quick hug, then when he'd finished I threw my legs onto his lap, chatting away, as we'd done so many times before. It was eleven pm before I decided I'd leave.

I don't want to lose Tom; this, I've always known. I'm afraid I will when he finds some woman who wants him for herself. I suppose that's all for the future, but it's a worry at the back of my mind.
Tom told me how he picks head-strong girlfriends, and he's right, because I know that right now, I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be his girlfriend.

Update Number Two

What a creative title, ha!

Anyway hi. Here's what's going on.

I finished things with Tom :-( back in January.

I am seeing someone new, Daniel :-s

Never in my life did I suffer hay fever until this week. My God, I had no idea how much money one could spend on treating it. But am telling ya, it works! Now I can go for a walk whenever I like, armed with eye drops, nasal spray and tissues!

So I've been seeing a new guy called Daniel, the year above me at school. I remember how he'd walk home from sixth form, shoe gazing, with his fringe hanging over his eyes. I was intrigued by him then, and felt the same when he flopped at the bar one night, a few months ago, declaring how beautiful he thinks I am. Aww! Just what every girl dreams of!

I did a little googling on Daniel & found he's part of a pretty successful gothic, indie band called Kill Surf City. He looks HAWT in their MTV2 video too! I think, owing to egos, the band is on a long break for now, with tensions between members arising, but Daniel's been recruited by a mutual pal to join another band called The Note Book. And they're really tight. I've been invited to their London gig in June. Don't know if I'll go or stick to finishing my damn book. (yes today, it is known as "my damn book", not my obsession that possesses. roll eyes please).

Thing is, Daniel & I have been dating a couple months now, & I haven't slept with him at all, although I really enjoy kissing him. I just don't wanna get so intimate with someone again. Here's why;

I found out from Anita (therapist) that I have a huge fear of loss when it comes to relationships. Hence me delaying the progression of my relationship with Tom, even meeting his family. I am scared of losing Tom, & worse, scared of losing another family. Great. So I'm alone because I'm afraid of being alone?!?!?!
Ultimately though, Tom is a kidney transplant patient, perhaps not the best choice of boyfriend for a lassie like me :-s I mean, he is a real kidney transplant patient, as in, he has lived on dyalisis, has his father's 50 yr old kidney because neither of his own kidneys work. Poor guy, but when he tells me things like he expects the kidney to last till he's 28 yrs of age (less than 4 yrs away), it doesn't help me wanna make a life with him. Does that make sense??

Daniel.....was in a serious car accident years ago; left him with only a quarter of a stomach. Yeah, he's like 6 ft tall, incredibly skinny, will never get "fat", it's impossible, and so I rarely see him eat. All the while I'm sat on my arse writing, getting fatter!!!! Not happy, insecure, feel unsexy, and with hay fevered snotty noses it's hard to work out & blow my nose 30 times in a row. Excuses excuses, I'm just a lazy fat cow.

Anyway enough of that self-hatred. It doesn't really go anywhere, except to thoughts of suicide. What does it mean if I wouldn't mind dying ? What does it mean if everything seems futile & hopeless? I feel I have no one to please anymore, and it's a fact that I dont. I only have myself. It's a scary life I'm living. I can't say it's lonely. Although obviously it is lonely. But I have options always not to be lonely, I jus often choose to be alone. Hmm, that's weird too. I am fucking weird. It's like I use my writing as an excuse not to move forward. It's like, once my book is done, I can start my life; travel, re-educate, move, whatever. Right now I'm stuck in Hull, affectionately named Hell, writing when I feel worthy enough of the art, and teasing would-be suitors. I mean, Daniel, I've enjoyed dating him, but I'm feeling the urge to cool things down now that the dating part has gone as far as it can, and it's time to get close: have him come see my house, my very own private space, maybe sleep with me & see every part of me. I don't know if I want any of that yet. You know, I remember watching TV shows, or movies, & listening to all that adult clap trap, never understanding what was so complicated, but boy do I understand now.

I need cheering up. Tonight am gonna visit Tom in his new place & let him cook for me. If anyone can cheer me up, it's him.

Why did we split? Lots of reasons, but I guess the first time we kissed, my judgement was clouded by fine wine, and I failed to correctly gage the chemistry between Tom & I. I don't "fancy" him enough. My attraction for him is not strong enough, although he is a gorgeous man, & many, many women find him equally gorgeous. They ask after him at work (he doesn't work there anymore, only if boss is desperate & he's free). When I kiss Daniel? There are definite sparks.................

Blabber Mouth Boyfriends

My boyfriend is a blabber mouth. He talks about me a lot. I put it down to immaturity. When we first got together, I'd share something private with him which he, wanting to feel more masculine than he is around his most masculine friend, would bring up. To my annoyance, I felt like the parent in the relationship, giving pointers on how to keep some things private. (As a child, I remember being taught this by my own mother.) Then I let this go, safe in the knowledge he took on board my annoyance & changed his ways.
It's hard for me to discuss being a writer with anyone. I used to live with a guy who never knew I was writing, all the time lying to him that I was shopping or doing housework, etc etc. Part of being the new me, the Sara who has grieved for her mother, is admitting I am a writer & writing full time. Tom is my boyfriend, it is something he knows is a huge part of my life, and he discusses it. Yes with his super-genius 18 yr old brother, soon to be attending Cambridge. When I met his brother I was, shockingly, bombarded with questions about writing a book. I felt quizzed, interrogated, uncomfortable, unhappy. I hated it. It is private to ME.
I suggest my boyfriend read a light teeny book popular at the time, which he went on to lose, immediately, out of the car door. After replacing it, (Brownie point), he starts to read it, criticizes it of course & goes on to tell me about these short stories written in the Victorian age. Well, this is something I cannot discuss. It is not my reading material. So I am happy to listen to how great his book is, & one day will pick it up myself. But I read as a writer & I'm short on time as it is so don't have time to read everything. Tom goes on to tell me how his parents only have old books in their house & encourage him and siblings to read the same stuff. Cool. My mum didn't. Just another difference in Tom & my's upbringing. He went to private school, me, public. His father a solicitor & mother primary school teacher, my mother a social worker & father absent. This is not a problem for Tom, & I didn't think it was for me, except he seems to bring up our class difference a lot, almost questioning if I am comfortable with the difference. Eventually, especially after him putting down my reading material, I do feel uncomfortable. How on earth am I to explain myself as a writer when I will not be able to hold my own in a discussion about great literary works of art? My mum always told me I didn't listen to Radio 4 enough! She was right of course.
Previous to this, Tom wrapped me up in the compliment of how opinionated I am, but how concerned he is about me meeting his father. His father detests vegetarians you see. And his brothers will tease me! I'm thinking (defensively), I have discussions and opinions shared with my boyfriend that I am not going to share at the dinner table like some impolite chav. (I hate the word chav, sorry chavs. It's a word used by my boyfriend). Consequently, we've been dating almost 6 months I think & I've yet to meet his whole family. However, that's his fault ha! In time, maybe I will. But I'm fine for now, although I appreciate it may seem a little rude of me. I'm reluctant to because my vampire ex's mother was also an emotional drain on me.
LOL he's just called, we've had a row & sorted things...for now. I've told him I think he's too critical of himself & of me & that relationships are supposed to bring out the best in people, not the worst. He told me as far as he's concerned this is sorted now so he doesn't want me freezing him out for a couple of days. (Gosh, he knows me), but I said so that means he wants to come over & fuck me. He said no, but there's a gig tues night he'd like me to make. We'll see.
He's basically criticised every song, barring two, on a "mix tape", (MP3 player) I got him for Christmas. Just cuz he's a drummer in a band gives him no right to criticise it. The whole point of the present is to listen to a few tracks meaningful to me, then record over them with his own stuff. Christ, the minute we got together he brought a bag full of CDs over for me to listen to, which I did. And did I say "Hey, these are shit," no, I was polite. He guessed which one I wasn't keen on, to which my repsonse was, "Hm yeah." And moved topic on. I'm not saying he can't disect music with me, or have opinions. I'm saying come on, I'm your girlfriend, I made you something, don't rip it to shreds you thoughtless, insensitive CUNT. He isn't a nasty guy. There isn't an aggressive bone in his body...well, not really. I don't think he meant anything maliciously, but he is so up his own arse sometimes.

A lot of girls are loving Robert Pattinson right now, cuz he is an awesome actor playing, very convincingly, Stephenie Meyer's hot vampire hero, but in real life, in his interviews? He is a bumbling, weedy, dawky, guffawing English private school boy. He reminds me of Tom, stopping and starting his sentences, and running his sweaty fingers through his floppy hair like my gay Oxford grad friend. Is this what men are? Young men in their 20's, sensitive intellectuals, or else grunting gorillas with little respect for themselves let alone women?

Men suck...but not in the good way like Edward Cullen or Angel from Buffy. What a shame that in reality the only alternative is lesbianism, and not hot daemon gods.

There are good points to my boyf. He has a conscience. He is a talented musician and poet. He is in love with art and architecture and cooking. He is fit and exercises lots. He has a healthy sexual appetite. He is expressive, educated, responsible, caring, kind, generous. When I tell him off, he listens and acts. He is amazing really. I worry I push him away and criticise HIM too much, but ultimately, we're getting along OK.

I didn't tell you this but I was sick over Christmas; the winter vom bug I believe. After admitting I needed help, I called Tom early hours in the morning, Tom was still out pAArtying, got on his bike, went to an all night Sainsburys, sobered up with a bottle of water and bought me tissues. He stayed with me all night and day taking care of me and didn't leave me till mid day on Christmas day. He then filled in my shift at work for me. I am very lucky to have him. I love him & he loves me...I just wish he wasn't so proud about it all the time.

Possessed by It, Obsessed with It

^^that's how I feel about my story/novel. At the start of 08 I left full time employment, pursuing part time to enable me to concentrate wholly on my writing. As I have a tendency to keep myself isolated, I took a job in a busy social environment. Naturally, I made friends, one in particular (now my boyfriend). I'm young, for my career as a writer, time is on my side (so I'm told). After months of grieving and working hard & being alone, I welcomed this new friendship to my life, & that's what it was, friendship. I liked him lots, but never saw in as any more than a friend. I looked forward to working with him & remember staying up at work all Saturday night/morning, only to go and do a car boot sale early Sunday together. Maybe it started then, when we realised we got along well outside of work, just the two of us. I was shocked when Tom kissed me for the first time, but it felt so good (surprisingly) and I kissed him back. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. He gave me an awesome summer - dates on rowing boats where he brought along a picnic, & at the beach where we shared lingering hugs, climbing a cherry tree for me & feeling his tongue suck the cherry juices from my neck. Neither of us wanted anything serious, we took it really slow, but I fell in love with him. I knew I loved him as a friend, as a person, as a human being, so I was uncertain about taking us to another level for fear of losing him. I would rather have him as a friend than not at all.
It was a good idea to go for it though. Tom brought me to life this summer & I'll be eternally grateful for that. I remember feeling my heart swelling with love for him; feels wonderful. So tired was I of the deflated feeling my heart experienced so many times, let down by "friends", family etc.
In October, when my novel wasn't completed, I panicked, listened to my "critical parent" & enquired about a college course, just as a back up, orientated around writing scripts (the only other means of writing I am OK at - although yes, the absolute opposite from novel writing). Starting the course two months in, I had missed a lot. Then I was sick as I've mentioned in "Update", & my writing took over. I tried writing with pen & paper & found myself flourishing. This is clearly the method for me. Sitting at my laptop to write just paralyses me with fear & my sentences are awkward and difficult. Writing as a I did as a child, laid out on the carpet, just works for me. Plus, when I come to copy it onto the laptop every few pages, it's a kind of draft, instead of just rambling forever on Word only to delete it all later because I haven't stopped to read it over. ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
My writing was on fire & I was doing it every single night & loving it. I felt like I was finding my voice, I am in love with characters, tweaked the storyline/subplots, added a very important character I had neglected & found myself thinking about them all a massive amount of each day. BAM! Work load at college kicks in, not a lot of writing, lots of practical, but after eight-ish hours writing up college stuff, I felt dissatisfied & thought "that's eight hours I coulda spent writing my novel...SHIT". Two nights not writing physically hurt. It upset me and put me in a bad mood. I feel possessed by my writing and I am obsessed with this novel & set of characters and their story. I love it with all my heart. So, after a month of study, which I'm glad for, it might be time to defer til next Sep, as was the original plan back early on in 08, and give myself chance to actually write & finish this thing ! Yeah! As my mentor (a published author better known in the US of A) recently told me "Decide for yourself, for you, no matter how crazy it might seem to those around you." God love him lol xx