Head-strong Girlfriends

So I woke up after my Hellish day yesterday, groomed myself & before six thirty pm I was at Tom's new place. Natch, I needed help getting into the place, but once inside I loved it. It is so Tom. From the bottles of Port on the side to different kinds of Olive oil in the kitchen. Not to mention the eclectic art work. I love Tom. There are things about him that occasionally grate on me, (our boss reminds me of Jay from Kevin Smiths movies. Don't expect Tom to know who Kevin Smith is!) as I'm sure there are things about me that do the same to him, but he is one of my favorite people. I missed having him in my life, but I know I hurt him, & think I've made a careful task of keeping him on my radar. I've given him space, I feel he's licked his wounds & now we can get on with being best friends, like I always wanted. And what a best friend he is. I am myself with him. I can talk to him about anything. I'm very comfortable with him. He is my perfect newest best friend.
I was careful not to drink too much, stay over or even kiss him, just to see what it's like, for fear of ruining all of my careful work. But I did make the mistake of telling him not to let slip to Daniel that I'd gone to see him.
(I'd told Daniel earlier on that I didn't want to meet up that night, owing to feeling run down, low & having a bad day. I don't wanna moan all night to my date!)
But guess who I can moan to for twenty minutes straight without feeling too bad about it? Tom! But that's what friends do. They share secrets, complaints, trust, conspiracies, and it hopefully works.
Tom & I had a hoot. Boy can that guy make me laugh, and I make him laugh. And we laugh so hard it hurts sometimes, well, quite a lot of the time.
This guy I make fun of, one of my customers at work, but he's friends with everyone at work and all the other locals/regulars, walked by the window, where Tom & I were sat eating some veg he'd "roasted the fuck out of" (it's amusing hearing him swear because he's so Hugh Grant pompous). Anyway we rang him & I was able to take the proverbial Mick out of him, calling him "fat nuts Jack". It's just funny. Anyway, then we settled onto the sofa & for a long time I'd had an aching back. Tom was more than happy to massage me. He's good at it because he doesn't act all soft & sensual. He knows am in pain & goes for it. Great stuff. Today, my back feels much better!! But it gave him chance to give me a quick hug, then when he'd finished I threw my legs onto his lap, chatting away, as we'd done so many times before. It was eleven pm before I decided I'd leave.

I don't want to lose Tom; this, I've always known. I'm afraid I will when he finds some woman who wants him for herself. I suppose that's all for the future, but it's a worry at the back of my mind.
Tom told me how he picks head-strong girlfriends, and he's right, because I know that right now, I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be his girlfriend.

Update Number Two

What a creative title, ha!

Anyway hi. Here's what's going on.

I finished things with Tom :-( back in January.

I am seeing someone new, Daniel :-s

Never in my life did I suffer hay fever until this week. My God, I had no idea how much money one could spend on treating it. But am telling ya, it works! Now I can go for a walk whenever I like, armed with eye drops, nasal spray and tissues!

So I've been seeing a new guy called Daniel, the year above me at school. I remember how he'd walk home from sixth form, shoe gazing, with his fringe hanging over his eyes. I was intrigued by him then, and felt the same when he flopped at the bar one night, a few months ago, declaring how beautiful he thinks I am. Aww! Just what every girl dreams of!

I did a little googling on Daniel & found he's part of a pretty successful gothic, indie band called Kill Surf City. He looks HAWT in their MTV2 video too! I think, owing to egos, the band is on a long break for now, with tensions between members arising, but Daniel's been recruited by a mutual pal to join another band called The Note Book. And they're really tight. I've been invited to their London gig in June. Don't know if I'll go or stick to finishing my damn book. (yes today, it is known as "my damn book", not my obsession that possesses. roll eyes please).

Thing is, Daniel & I have been dating a couple months now, & I haven't slept with him at all, although I really enjoy kissing him. I just don't wanna get so intimate with someone again. Here's why;

I found out from Anita (therapist) that I have a huge fear of loss when it comes to relationships. Hence me delaying the progression of my relationship with Tom, even meeting his family. I am scared of losing Tom, & worse, scared of losing another family. Great. So I'm alone because I'm afraid of being alone?!?!?!
Ultimately though, Tom is a kidney transplant patient, perhaps not the best choice of boyfriend for a lassie like me :-s I mean, he is a real kidney transplant patient, as in, he has lived on dyalisis, has his father's 50 yr old kidney because neither of his own kidneys work. Poor guy, but when he tells me things like he expects the kidney to last till he's 28 yrs of age (less than 4 yrs away), it doesn't help me wanna make a life with him. Does that make sense??

Daniel.....was in a serious car accident years ago; left him with only a quarter of a stomach. Yeah, he's like 6 ft tall, incredibly skinny, will never get "fat", it's impossible, and so I rarely see him eat. All the while I'm sat on my arse writing, getting fatter!!!! Not happy, insecure, feel unsexy, and with hay fevered snotty noses it's hard to work out & blow my nose 30 times in a row. Excuses excuses, I'm just a lazy fat cow.

Anyway enough of that self-hatred. It doesn't really go anywhere, except to thoughts of suicide. What does it mean if I wouldn't mind dying ? What does it mean if everything seems futile & hopeless? I feel I have no one to please anymore, and it's a fact that I dont. I only have myself. It's a scary life I'm living. I can't say it's lonely. Although obviously it is lonely. But I have options always not to be lonely, I jus often choose to be alone. Hmm, that's weird too. I am fucking weird. It's like I use my writing as an excuse not to move forward. It's like, once my book is done, I can start my life; travel, re-educate, move, whatever. Right now I'm stuck in Hull, affectionately named Hell, writing when I feel worthy enough of the art, and teasing would-be suitors. I mean, Daniel, I've enjoyed dating him, but I'm feeling the urge to cool things down now that the dating part has gone as far as it can, and it's time to get close: have him come see my house, my very own private space, maybe sleep with me & see every part of me. I don't know if I want any of that yet. You know, I remember watching TV shows, or movies, & listening to all that adult clap trap, never understanding what was so complicated, but boy do I understand now.

I need cheering up. Tonight am gonna visit Tom in his new place & let him cook for me. If anyone can cheer me up, it's him.

Why did we split? Lots of reasons, but I guess the first time we kissed, my judgement was clouded by fine wine, and I failed to correctly gage the chemistry between Tom & I. I don't "fancy" him enough. My attraction for him is not strong enough, although he is a gorgeous man, & many, many women find him equally gorgeous. They ask after him at work (he doesn't work there anymore, only if boss is desperate & he's free). When I kiss Daniel? There are definite sparks.................

Blabber Mouth Boyfriends

My boyfriend is a blabber mouth. He talks about me a lot. I put it down to immaturity. When we first got together, I'd share something private with him which he, wanting to feel more masculine than he is around his most masculine friend, would bring up. To my annoyance, I felt like the parent in the relationship, giving pointers on how to keep some things private. (As a child, I remember being taught this by my own mother.) Then I let this go, safe in the knowledge he took on board my annoyance & changed his ways.
It's hard for me to discuss being a writer with anyone. I used to live with a guy who never knew I was writing, all the time lying to him that I was shopping or doing housework, etc etc. Part of being the new me, the Sara who has grieved for her mother, is admitting I am a writer & writing full time. Tom is my boyfriend, it is something he knows is a huge part of my life, and he discusses it. Yes with his super-genius 18 yr old brother, soon to be attending Cambridge. When I met his brother I was, shockingly, bombarded with questions about writing a book. I felt quizzed, interrogated, uncomfortable, unhappy. I hated it. It is private to ME.
I suggest my boyfriend read a light teeny book popular at the time, which he went on to lose, immediately, out of the car door. After replacing it, (Brownie point), he starts to read it, criticizes it of course & goes on to tell me about these short stories written in the Victorian age. Well, this is something I cannot discuss. It is not my reading material. So I am happy to listen to how great his book is, & one day will pick it up myself. But I read as a writer & I'm short on time as it is so don't have time to read everything. Tom goes on to tell me how his parents only have old books in their house & encourage him and siblings to read the same stuff. Cool. My mum didn't. Just another difference in Tom & my's upbringing. He went to private school, me, public. His father a solicitor & mother primary school teacher, my mother a social worker & father absent. This is not a problem for Tom, & I didn't think it was for me, except he seems to bring up our class difference a lot, almost questioning if I am comfortable with the difference. Eventually, especially after him putting down my reading material, I do feel uncomfortable. How on earth am I to explain myself as a writer when I will not be able to hold my own in a discussion about great literary works of art? My mum always told me I didn't listen to Radio 4 enough! She was right of course.
Previous to this, Tom wrapped me up in the compliment of how opinionated I am, but how concerned he is about me meeting his father. His father detests vegetarians you see. And his brothers will tease me! I'm thinking (defensively), I have discussions and opinions shared with my boyfriend that I am not going to share at the dinner table like some impolite chav. (I hate the word chav, sorry chavs. It's a word used by my boyfriend). Consequently, we've been dating almost 6 months I think & I've yet to meet his whole family. However, that's his fault ha! In time, maybe I will. But I'm fine for now, although I appreciate it may seem a little rude of me. I'm reluctant to because my vampire ex's mother was also an emotional drain on me.
LOL he's just called, we've had a row & sorted things...for now. I've told him I think he's too critical of himself & of me & that relationships are supposed to bring out the best in people, not the worst. He told me as far as he's concerned this is sorted now so he doesn't want me freezing him out for a couple of days. (Gosh, he knows me), but I said so that means he wants to come over & fuck me. He said no, but there's a gig tues night he'd like me to make. We'll see.
He's basically criticised every song, barring two, on a "mix tape", (MP3 player) I got him for Christmas. Just cuz he's a drummer in a band gives him no right to criticise it. The whole point of the present is to listen to a few tracks meaningful to me, then record over them with his own stuff. Christ, the minute we got together he brought a bag full of CDs over for me to listen to, which I did. And did I say "Hey, these are shit," no, I was polite. He guessed which one I wasn't keen on, to which my repsonse was, "Hm yeah." And moved topic on. I'm not saying he can't disect music with me, or have opinions. I'm saying come on, I'm your girlfriend, I made you something, don't rip it to shreds you thoughtless, insensitive CUNT. He isn't a nasty guy. There isn't an aggressive bone in his body...well, not really. I don't think he meant anything maliciously, but he is so up his own arse sometimes.

A lot of girls are loving Robert Pattinson right now, cuz he is an awesome actor playing, very convincingly, Stephenie Meyer's hot vampire hero, but in real life, in his interviews? He is a bumbling, weedy, dawky, guffawing English private school boy. He reminds me of Tom, stopping and starting his sentences, and running his sweaty fingers through his floppy hair like my gay Oxford grad friend. Is this what men are? Young men in their 20's, sensitive intellectuals, or else grunting gorillas with little respect for themselves let alone women?

Men suck...but not in the good way like Edward Cullen or Angel from Buffy. What a shame that in reality the only alternative is lesbianism, and not hot daemon gods.

There are good points to my boyf. He has a conscience. He is a talented musician and poet. He is in love with art and architecture and cooking. He is fit and exercises lots. He has a healthy sexual appetite. He is expressive, educated, responsible, caring, kind, generous. When I tell him off, he listens and acts. He is amazing really. I worry I push him away and criticise HIM too much, but ultimately, we're getting along OK.

I didn't tell you this but I was sick over Christmas; the winter vom bug I believe. After admitting I needed help, I called Tom early hours in the morning, Tom was still out pAArtying, got on his bike, went to an all night Sainsburys, sobered up with a bottle of water and bought me tissues. He stayed with me all night and day taking care of me and didn't leave me till mid day on Christmas day. He then filled in my shift at work for me. I am very lucky to have him. I love him & he loves me...I just wish he wasn't so proud about it all the time.

Possessed by It, Obsessed with It

^^that's how I feel about my story/novel. At the start of 08 I left full time employment, pursuing part time to enable me to concentrate wholly on my writing. As I have a tendency to keep myself isolated, I took a job in a busy social environment. Naturally, I made friends, one in particular (now my boyfriend). I'm young, for my career as a writer, time is on my side (so I'm told). After months of grieving and working hard & being alone, I welcomed this new friendship to my life, & that's what it was, friendship. I liked him lots, but never saw in as any more than a friend. I looked forward to working with him & remember staying up at work all Saturday night/morning, only to go and do a car boot sale early Sunday together. Maybe it started then, when we realised we got along well outside of work, just the two of us. I was shocked when Tom kissed me for the first time, but it felt so good (surprisingly) and I kissed him back. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. He gave me an awesome summer - dates on rowing boats where he brought along a picnic, & at the beach where we shared lingering hugs, climbing a cherry tree for me & feeling his tongue suck the cherry juices from my neck. Neither of us wanted anything serious, we took it really slow, but I fell in love with him. I knew I loved him as a friend, as a person, as a human being, so I was uncertain about taking us to another level for fear of losing him. I would rather have him as a friend than not at all.
It was a good idea to go for it though. Tom brought me to life this summer & I'll be eternally grateful for that. I remember feeling my heart swelling with love for him; feels wonderful. So tired was I of the deflated feeling my heart experienced so many times, let down by "friends", family etc.
In October, when my novel wasn't completed, I panicked, listened to my "critical parent" & enquired about a college course, just as a back up, orientated around writing scripts (the only other means of writing I am OK at - although yes, the absolute opposite from novel writing). Starting the course two months in, I had missed a lot. Then I was sick as I've mentioned in "Update", & my writing took over. I tried writing with pen & paper & found myself flourishing. This is clearly the method for me. Sitting at my laptop to write just paralyses me with fear & my sentences are awkward and difficult. Writing as a I did as a child, laid out on the carpet, just works for me. Plus, when I come to copy it onto the laptop every few pages, it's a kind of draft, instead of just rambling forever on Word only to delete it all later because I haven't stopped to read it over. ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
My writing was on fire & I was doing it every single night & loving it. I felt like I was finding my voice, I am in love with characters, tweaked the storyline/subplots, added a very important character I had neglected & found myself thinking about them all a massive amount of each day. BAM! Work load at college kicks in, not a lot of writing, lots of practical, but after eight-ish hours writing up college stuff, I felt dissatisfied & thought "that's eight hours I coulda spent writing my novel...SHIT". Two nights not writing physically hurt. It upset me and put me in a bad mood. I feel possessed by my writing and I am obsessed with this novel & set of characters and their story. I love it with all my heart. So, after a month of study, which I'm glad for, it might be time to defer til next Sep, as was the original plan back early on in 08, and give myself chance to actually write & finish this thing ! Yeah! As my mentor (a published author better known in the US of A) recently told me "Decide for yourself, for you, no matter how crazy it might seem to those around you." God love him lol xx

Update

Hey hey blog update. Just read my previous entries: wow I come across as such a d***. It goes to show I was right about how much we change in our 20's! Oh, and the guy I liked so much whose band I watched, I'm his girlfriend now (more about that later). My eating issues? Nearly all stamped out! Can you believe it back in March I couldn't imagine myself without it? Look at me now! I kinda got ill one thing after another September til now, and that prevented my gym visits & I thought "maybe I should eat more." So now I've gained weight. I'm 8 & 1/2 stone insteada 7 stone but I don't mind it too much. Oh yeah, I went from being Vegan to Vegetarian too back in May when holidayed with a pal & didn't wanna be awkward. Ya know how it is (well, you do if you have a conscience). I stopped seeing my therapist in June, but often whine to her via email. God bless her soul. She's an angel. Always responds. I'm very lucky to have her. I'm less close to some of my extended family, but there are many reasons for this. I need friendships with people who accept me for who I am now as a 24 yr old young woman, not people who dismiss my values because they're not the same as theirs. I am my mother's child & I can't mould myself into someone else's wants. Needless to say, my God mothering days are over. (thank god).
I am struggling with a few issues at the moment, very low, very unhappy. But there are a lot of positive aspects to my life right now so I didn't quite understand it when I started having incapacitating stomach cramps. The GP diagnosed them as anxiety related. Hmm. I didn't think I was any more anxious than anyone else...save for the exeptionally laid back: my boyfriend & mother for starters.
I think the GP might be right though. So Anita's sent me some meditative excersices for stress relief, which I haven't stuck to this week, sh*t. I a drinking tons of herbal tea, eating more, having busy days but still saving lots of time for myself (much to my boyfriend's frustration).
At the end of September I got a virus. Just the usual sore throat, which leads to a runny nose & those horrid aches and pains in bed, but goes after a few days. 3 wks later it returned & lingered for 2 wks! Then my period came, great, and I got another virus for a week, then I got a mouth ulcer & some weird lumps in my neck where I never knew I had glands that could swell. The I got another virus, which went away for a day & came back this week. AWESOME!!! I swear to god I haven't felt like exerting myself at all, so thank goodness I'm a writer. Sitting and reading or writing or working on some college work only really exhausts my mind, which I can still handle without catching some mind flu. Touch wood. I actually feel alright tonight, but for how long for no one knows. Aparently, if a person is unhappy, stressed, anxious, it can depress their imune system. I wonder if this is what has happened to me? But why am I unhappy?
Let's see: my mum's dead. Oh ya that's number one. My boyfriend left the job we both worked at to concentrate on his final yr of studies. Fine except he's the only guy at work who entertained me non-stop. I swear everytime he made me laugh this yr it makes up for all the tears I cried last yr. People I liked at work have slowly left. The job isn't challenging for me anymore, either. I am not as happy with my body as I was so I'm more self-conscious during sex (something Tom does not understand). I'm lonely. I miss my mum & the knowledge that no one I ever meet will ever fill that void is crucifying. Not having my mum to ask when I need guidance hurts, a lot. I'm scared. I'm worried I'm making the wrong decisions in life. I hate not feeling daily love, knowing what it's like & that it's beenn taken away from me. Yeah, that's enlightening. Maybe I am stressed after all. Anita once asked if I know how to be happy. I can't remember what I said, probably yes. And I know how to be happy now too, but when it's over I'm alone again, sad, hurting. Hmm. That's never gonna go. Unless I become a wife & a mum? That's another thing to update on actually; children. I think I will adopt, providing I can afford to & am stable enough. There are so many poor children in Hull needing love, perhaps sometime in the future I can look further into this possibility.
Lots of topics here for future blogs. Right now though, my nose is cold, my back aches & I want a hot drink.

Spit It Out

How do you eat?

I eat abnormally & have done for two years.

What is normal ?

Don't many of us now "watch" what we eat? Aren't we generally more educated about food?

Shopping...unless for binge food... is a giant head ache for me. Anything I'm going to consume, the label has to be checked, rechecked & triple checked for fat percentage, saturated fat content, number of calories, carb & protein grams. Seems to be the norm for lots of folks now, though.

As a Vegan, the vast majority of everything I eat is natural, raw, organic & naturally good for me without the palaver of checking labels. Still, Vegetarians & Vegans must ensure they don't over do it on the carbs. No diet is without it's risks, I guess.

I think my mother's death sparked my freak out over food...although there was this big eating disorder phase as a teen & my fathers critical opinions of me. Yeah, yeah, all that childhood nonsense. (Crap my therapist better not read this!) But my mum's cancer was so rare & aggressive (sorry to everyone who lost someone to cancer, I acknowledge the horrifying truth of all cancers), & my mum was so healthy: ate well, cooking everything afresh, exercising, positive thinking. However, I believe the tirade of fad diets she unleashed on her body over the years & her stressful occupation won't have done her any favours, and then childhood traumas, stifled & not dealt with are enough to account for the tree-trunk tumors setting up roots in her bones & cells & womb & lungs.
FUCK TUMORS.

I sometimes wonder if I'll die young like my mum, which makes me panic about ever starting a family with anyone. I know one thing for sure, I'll try my damndest to have more than one child so if I do die young, it's never left alone like I was. Can you say, nightmare?

I'm sort of pleased that my eating disorder has taken away my menstrual cycle cuz there's no chance of me having a period, getting pregnant & then not being strong enough to be a mother, thus leaving a child alone to struggle.

Therapist said I won't get over the death of my mum because we didn't part naturally like most loving mums & daughters do. We were "torn"/"ripped" apart unnaturally. She did this thing with her index fingers, crossing them & then wrenching them apart. It struck a chord.

Don't know why am babbling about counselling sessions. Maybe it's because they're coming to an end after ten hard months of them. I've asked if I can keep my therapist forever, for when all the rest of the shit yet to hit me...hits. It's agreed. Phew.

Anyway, this one particular disturbed eating habit I have, I cant stop. It's bad. Sometimes it's out of control, sometimes I keep it under control. Therapist says they're not too worried bout it, & neither am I but I wonder if it's always gonna be with me. Right now I can't imagine my life without it. What am I gonna be like? A wife? A mother with this weird secret eating thing? It's so embarrassing & shameful. I thought I'd outgrow it (therapist still thinks I will), but after doing it for two years, it seems a part of who I am now, & a way to suppress any emotions I can't healthily handle.

Ah well, FUCK FOOD too.

Signs

Whaddya think of your horoscope? Clap trap? Maybe but there's something to be said for those personality profiles.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, my in depth knowledge of those 12 personality types (owing to reams of material printed in 90's issues of "MIZZ" magazine), help me, to this day, to suss out characters. OK, so I made mistakes with a few soul-sucking, energy draining "vampires", but that's good. I applied my star sign knowledge to these past mistakes & came up with good results. Virgo men are generally: controlling, manipulative, sharp-tongued, overly sensitive, no fun scrooges. My father & my first disastrous boyfriend come under this category. Naturally am wary of men when they mention they were born in September; makes plenty sense. But future Virgoan males I've met, after getting to know them, have the same shadowy movement under their eyes when they feel attacked by a playful jibe, the same insanely annoying neeeeeeeeeeeeed to clarify EVERYTHING, just to make sure you understand they didn't mean to sound as if they said something they did actually want you to understand they said but don't want to come across as that type of person because they're not that type of person you understand? Smile! Oh you don't understand? Then you're an idiot & not worthy.

It's true. A Virgo from the work place? I don't like him.

Listen, I am a very open, heart-on-sleeve young woman & I DO give people a fair chance. But I've noticed this is something I am good at judging, & the Virgo thing helps me feel protected. That's right, I'm protecting myself from more serious hurtful attacks. So, are horoscopes a load a rubbish?

Titter, titter.

NOTE: Virgoan men are not unhealthy for everyone. For me, personally, they generally are.

So far I have gotten along insanely well with Pisceans of both sexes. My mother, mentor & sister are/were all Pisceans. Their romantic, dreamy, hippy styles greatly match my nature.